Widow's Voice

Netflix & Tears

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I just finished watching From Scratch on Netflix and I am…wrecked. And I need to write about it for a minute. 

I have been drawn to tv shows, movies, books, and songs about death and loss since Boris died. They have been like a balm for me. But, more recently I have been watching more upbeat or lighthearted shows and movies. 

I read Tembi’s book From Scratch a couple of years ago and loved it…I remember it being such a beautiful story and so well-written. I was so excited to learn that it was going to become a show, but I had no idea how wonderful it was going to be and how much it was going to impact me. I have been thinking about why it affected me so much…and I think some of the reasons are obvious but others are more complicated. 

I was immediately transported to those early hours, days, and weeks of grief–the rawness and emotion…feeling nauseated and those permanently puffy eyes. The acting is phenomenal. I was sobbing. Not crying, but SOBBING, through so many of the scenes. And partly it was because I knew that feeling. I have felt it. And then I connected with the cross-cultural experiences of their families because Boris was Chinese American. The way his family handled death and grief looked very different than my family. And I took some of Boris’s ashes to Hong Kong, similar to her journey to Sicily. Those scenes were so moving, and somewhat difficult for me. 

I think part of my complicated emotions toward it was a little bit of jealousy of their love story, jealousy that they were married and had a child, and jealousy that she was able to say goodbye. And I hate that I feel these things because her story, just like so many widows, is tragic and terrible and sad just like mine. She lost her husband! But, I found myself wishing, as I often do, that Boris and I had wedding memories or we had just gotten a little further into our love story to build more of a life together. I wish we had more that tied us together. I found myself wanting what she had. And that is a weird feeling, and one I have written about before. I feel guilty and ashamed for even thinking it, but I know that I am not alone. It is a weird feeling. 

If you are reading this and you haven’t watched From Scratch or read the book, I highly recommend both. It is a beautiful story that we all can relate to. I have not been so impacted by a show or movie in so long…I am so appreciative of Tembi and everyone involved in bringing this story to us. I mean, I miss Saro (Lino in the show) and I never even met him. I feel like I know Tembi and I have never met her! But those of us who have known this great loss of our partner…we just will always have that connection no matter how different our stories are, I think. 

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.