Feeling some things today in my heart that are a bit all over the place, but also sort of add up to emotions of maybe being thankful or grateful or something in that neighborhood. Finally. Maybe. Sure.
On this 21 year anniversary of the horrific events of 9/11/2001, Im feeling thankful to know and to have met people like my dear friend Tanya, who lost her fiance Sergio on that tragic day. We met because my husband died and her fiance died, and I feel like I know Sergio personally because of how she honors him, and Im sure she feels the same about my Don. Our friendship will be lifelong and always so special to me. Im also feeling so thankful to know all the many people I know in NYC – my NYC family in the acting and comedy industries, and those I went to college with many years ago, and those I taught at university with, especially my friend Marina, who I was commuting to work with, through the heart of NYC, on that fateful day of 9/11. So many people I love.
Im so thankful that all those years ago, when Don and I were talking long-distance from Florida to NY, and still had not yet met in person – that he finally put his cards on the table after not being able to reach me by phone for 2 days after 9/11, and said simply: “I cant go through that again. I thought you might be dead when I couldnt reach you, and it made me realize how much you mean to me. We need to meet soon, and figure out what this is between us.” A few months later, he was on a plane to NYC where I would finally meet him, take him to the U.S. Open, and fall in love.
I miss him everyday. Every day. And I also feel him here, with me, in so many ways. It doesnt feel as lonely as it did in the beginning. I feel like he is part of everything, and that the love we shared echoes through all the things that I do and experience. He is there, and he knows. Maybe. I could never prove this, of course, but sometimes just feeling it is enough. Maybe it has to be enough.
Im grateful for all my widowed friends, and for new love coming into my love with my husband Nick, and that he is slowly healing from his double bypass, and doing very well. It makes my heart sing when my widowed friends and my life with Nick are able to intersect, like when he comes with me to Camp Widow in Tampa, or when we participate together in a “Love After Loss” panel while there, or when we host some of my widowed friends at our house for an end of summer pool and pizza party. My heart loves it when these things happen, as this is when I feel the love from Don and from me, and from all of those that I continue to love who are not here now – that is when I feel them closest to me, and when life and death intersect, and together, make beautiful magic.
Maybe.
