I had a nice Thanksgiving. Two Thanksgivings, actually. On that day, the weather was bad (rain, sleet, bit of snow), so we pushed our family holiday out by one day so my parents wouldnt have to travel the 2 hours from Cape Cod to come here. Instead, I had an invite to hang with my good friend Mark, and his lovely family. Ive known him since childhood, and he is just such a great friend. We ate a delicious dinner, played games, and sang songs together while he strummed his guitar. Mark and I sang a lot together as kids, in local community theatre groups and chorus in high school. It was so great to sing together again.

The next day, we had Thanksgiving with my family. My brother, niece and nephew, me , and my parents. It was a nice day, with many challenges. Without getting into too much personal detail regarding my father, his dementia is slowly progressing, and there were some issues that happened at both my brothers house and then when my parents stayed overnight here at my apartment. Bathroom issues, we will say. And we will leave it at that. My poor dad was very embarrassed by the whole thing, and its just such a bummer all the way around.

Then we got a call from my Aunt that my Uncle Richard, my dads brother, is in the final stages of his own dementia, which he has had for just over 12 years now. We were told that if we wanted to see him, and if my dad wanted to come say goodbye to his brother, that we should do that in the next few days because he could be no longer with us after that time. So yesterday, my parents left here, and drove to go see Richard. From there, they drove back home to Cape Cod. Today, my brother and I drove to see our Uncle together. Its just over an hour each way, and so we had some great conversation on the ride there and back. When we got there, two of our cousins that we havent seen in years were there, and we had a chance to sit and have lunch with them. My Uncle was able to sit up and eat lunch with us, but it didnt last long. He went back to his room, where he had to lie down and nap. My brother and I went into the room and said our goodbyes. He was in and out of sleep, but at one point he looked me in the eye as if just recognizing me for the first time, and said: “Oh Kelley! I love you!” Can’t get any better than that for some last words.

My brother is currently going through some hardships right now, and then you have me with my whole widowed at 39 thing, and now having just gone through this divorce. My mom said something to me the other night about my brother not looking happy. Then she said: “I just want to see both of my kids happy before I die.” I said: “THATS depressing!”, and my dad agreed by saying: “Yeah, really!” and we all had a good laugh. But it did make me sad. And also made me think about happiness and joy and how its not a goal or achievement, but more of a fleeting emotion or feeling. Sometimes you have it, other times you dont. But when you know you are unhappy, and you also know you can do something to change that, its a very different thing than being unhappy and theres not much you can do to change it. I am probably not making any sense, but life cycles back and forth between happy times and not so happy times, and exciting times and not so exciting times. And you kind of just have to roll with it. Like today. We were all gathered at my uncle’s bedside for a very sad reason. And yet, I found happiness in spending time with my brother and getting one on one time with him while we drove there and back. Watching my dad’s health fade is so damn sad, and yet, his humor is still as sharp as ever, and I find joy in laughing with him and marveling at his ability to make light of his disease at times.

Life is funny. And sad as hell. And so damn precious. And way, way better when you become aware of all of that. And Ive been aware since July 13, 2011, when my world changed forever and everything became different instantly. Life began to have a whole new meaning, and I will never see things the same way again. It’s all so fragile and wonderful and horrible. All at once. And the knowing of this as its happening is really something to marvel. Again, I know Im not making much sense, but I know what I mean. All I know is that I can never go backwards from this feeling, and I dont know that I would even want to.