Hey Friends.

Today, on this Sunday, I feel sad.

Nothing more profound, really.

Just sad.

And it’s the kind of sadness for all the things that you wish were, that cannot be. For things that cannot work out, but you think to yourself: “if only…..” Sadness for humans and love and emotions being so complicated, and if two people truly do love each other, which Nick and I do greatly, why the hell can’t that just be enough? Shouldn’t that be enough? Maybe I’m naive or romantic or whatever else, but shouldn’t most things, even the incredibly difficult things, be able to be worked through between two people who made a decision to get married? In the end, I can’t fight for my marriage when the other person doesn’t want to fight, and that, along with many other things about this, makes me very sad.

Yesterday we did a lot of work together getting the pool patio ready, cleaning the pool, power-washing the deck, putting out the patio furniture, so many things. Then we took the LAST/first swim of the season, and chatted inside the pool some. Looking around at our gorgeous property from inside the pool and talking to my husband who is still my husband until our court hearing and then still technically still my husband for awhile after that – I just got really happy. Happy because we were getting along great, and anyone walking by and witnessing us would never guess that we are getting divorced. And then that made me really sad.

And then, even ALL these years later, that same thought popped back into my head. You know the one, where whenever anything bad happens in life, all roads lead back to widowhood. The six degrees of Don Shepherd’s death: “Well, if Don hadn’t of died, I would have still been married to HIM, and therefore, would never have to go through any of this crap rigiht now. Dammit I miss him. I miss him so much.” 

And then that leads to me feeling sorry for myself, and going down roads that lead to nowhere good.

So Ill try not to do that, and I will try to stick to just your basic sadness.