So Ive been missing Don quite a bit lately. Just some little things, and a few big things, but mostly little things about him. Ive been quietly missing him, and also sometimes telling someone I miss him or sharing a thought or memory of him that I have probably shared before. (when someone dies on the young side and you only had a few years with them, the collection of memories to share is limited, so you continue to break out their “greatest hits” from the memories vault) Whatever the case, Ive been missing him.
And Ive noticed something about missing Don over the last almost 12 years now. I have noticed that each time I feel that strong pull of missing him a little bit “extra”, I always feel the need to justify it or to find some reason WHY Im missing him soooo much right now. I sit around creating reasons that may or may not be true. “Oh, I must be missing him so much because it’s been (fill in the blank number) of years. Oh, its because next month is his birthday, and he would have been (fill in the blank number) years old. Oh, its because of the holidays. Or it’s Groundhog Day and he really liked that Groundhog in “Caddyshack.” I must be missing him so much because he loved root beer and someone next to me ordered root beer in the bar last week. I guess it’s because the Yankees are playing again and he doesn’t even know who Aaron Judge is. He never even met our niece Jillian, never mind Judge. ”
And really, all of the above reasons are true, and none of them are true. Its because of all of those things, and none of those things. We sit inside of the missing as our lives move forward, and it becomes a part of us. Missing them becomes like brushing our teeth or drinking water or moving our bodies in some way or any of the other millions of things we do routinely and without thought. So why do we have this need to have specific reasons to justify WHY we still miss them? And why do we have to even use the word STILL? How about ALWAYS? How about “I miss him. Forever. Obviously.” All the pressures from society that tell us over and over again that something is wrong with us for missing our people – that we are somehow broken or failing at grieving correctly – these are the lies that make us sit around exhausting ourselves with coming up with reasons for missing people we love who have died.
Here is the truth. We miss them because they are dead.
We miss them, BECAUSE THEY ARE DEAD.
And dont you waste one more second feeling guilty or wrong or unfixed about this very beautiful reality.
You just keep on missing them. Thats how powerful love really is.