Well, my widowed friends, the time has come.
Today will be my last day writing for “Widow’s Voice.”
No big dramatic lead up to the announcement. No big fan-fare. Much like my husband Don Shepherd’s death 13 years ago, things will change instantly as of today. But nobody has died suddenly, so this instant shift in things is a billion times less devastating. And yet, it still hurts, and I’m still very sad about it.
I know with all of my heart that some of you or many of you might also be very sad about it too. And I am so sorry for that. Truly. I do not like disappointing my friends in the widowed community. I do not like making any of you sad. It is probably my least favorite thing.
The good news is, I was not in fact, fired from my duties, due to forgetting to post a good 65% of the time lately. I was not asked to leave this platform for being a bad widow. In fact, being here and writing here for A DOZEN YEARS is apparently allowed and welcome. I am assuming this, because nobody has ever asked or suggested that I leave, even if they may have been thinking: “Really? She has been droning on and on since 2013 about this dead guy thing? Isn’t it time that she moved onnnnnn already?”
But, if you have been following me here or know me even a little bit, you know that I do NOT believe in the concept of moving on when it comes to grief, losing our person, the life we knew, or anything else loss-related. And that certainly goes the same for being a writer here at “Widow’s Voice.” So, let’s just say I am not moving on. I am moving with and through my life, and shifting into someplace new, and always carrying this beautiful, life-changing experience of writing here with me.
Being a writer here has been like a healing balm for my often sad, confused, lonely, hopeless widowed heart. It has been an absolute honor and a privilege to share my world, my soul, and my words with you all; and to be part of this unique platform of communication for our incredible community. Some of you may read these blogs because they help you in some way and because you can relate and because reading these words makes you feel less alone. Well, I can tell you that I write in this blog for all of those same reasons. Typing into the hearts and souls of my widowed tribe and feeling their (your) courage, resilience, fears, hopes, and dreams shooting back at me like a boomerang inside a cannon has been life-altering, profound, and simply beautiful.
So why am I leaving?
The reasons are both complex, and simple, like many things in life. I’m leaving because there are lots of weeks where I come here to write, and nothing comes into my head. I’m leaving because when you write in any platform every single week for 12 years, at some point, you feel like you are repeating yourself. You feel like you are repeating yourself. (just making sure you were paying attention) I’m leaving because a lot of the things happening in my life the last couple of years, such as my heartbreaking divorce, involve other people, and to write about those things means airing their dirty laundry too, and that never feels right to do. And when I can’t write in a brutally honest way anymore, it feels censored to me, and I’d rather not write at all. I’m leaving because, simply put, it feels right. It is time.
I will still be a huge part of the widowed community, I will still be doing my Regional Group, and attending and presenting at various Camp Widow events, and I will still continue writing in my own blog on my website (but not weekly -just when my heart feels like it.) I will continue to write and share on Facebook as well, so please follow me there if you like, because my intention is not to leave any of you behind. My intention is to see what’s next in this crazy, wild ride of life – and to shift gears a tiny bit into something new.
So, before I introduce your new Sunday writer, who will start next week, I want to say thank you to every single person who has read even one of my blogs over these years. THANK YOU for giving me this space to be 100% my authentic, widowed self, week after week. Thank you for helping me to walk through, crawl, and sometimes not move at all, through the mind-numbing, severing, intolerable, horrific pain of losing my favorite person to ever exist. Thank you for hearing and absorbing my thoughts and my words on everything from death trauma, to holiday hell, to fearing forgetting them, to losing my wedding ring in a snowbank, to eating meals alone, to feeling sick to my stomach at the thought of “someone else”, to feeling like “maybe I could have coffee with a male person”, to wanting to find love again, to having my heart broken open while dating and getting hurt, to FINDING love again ,to moving in with my parents in my 40’s, to leaving NYC, to moving in with my boyfriend, to living through a pandemic, to getting engaged IN a pandemic, to having a wedding on New Years Eve live on Facebook IN a pandemic, to buying a house in my 50’s, to surviving so many things in my second marriage, to finding out my dad has dementia, to learning that my husband wants a divorce, to selling our house 3 years after moving in, to actually getting a divorce, to having to start all over again and figure out life, and to so, so, so much more. Mostly, thank you for having patience with my long, rambling run-on sentences, and my stream of consciousness style of writing.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. My heart feels so overwhelmed with gratitude for the amazing people I have met along this road of loss, paved with all of your beautiful stories and your unbelievable warmth and love. Before I go and cry my head off because of the sheer emotion of leaving here, I want to leave you all with this thought to carry with you as you continue to travel inside your own personal tsunami of loss:
Lead with love. Even when things feel desperate and horrific and dark. Actually, especially when things feel like that – lead with love. Remember the love that you received from your person who died. Actually remember what that felt like. What it felt like to be loved by them, and to love them. Remember the power and the nature and the kindness that comes with real love. Remember it. And then, when you are ready, live it. Live it loud and live it in color. Live inside that love, and grow more love in your life. Create a world around yourself that promotes that love and peace and joys and other things that feed your soul and set your heart on fire. Do this whenever you can, and rest whenever you need to. Never give up on the idea of love, in it’s many forms. Do it for them. Do it for you. Do it for everyone and anyone who has ever sat inside the horrific darkness, terrified, wondering how they would ever get out. Share your love and your hope and your light with them.
Lead with love, and BE all the beautiful things that you miss most about your person. For me, Don possessed kindness, dark humor, patience, and an ability to live life with such ease and joy, despite going through so many hardships in his childhood and in his short life. He had so many reasons to be bitter and angry, but he never was. In my own life, I have tried to BE all those qualities that I miss in him, and it helps to bring him closer. I feel him with me every single day. I will always live my life for me AND for him, because he deserves that and so much more.
I will be leading with love, and I can tell you that right now, on this lovely Sunday morning in March 2025, I feel very hopeful about the future, and I feel that a new kind of love is right around the corner for me. I’m not yet quite sure what it will look like or how it will turn out, but I am hopeful, and happy, and incredibly excited to find out. I wish for every single one of you to feel in your soul the knowing that your story matters, your love matters, and it will be the thing that not only gets you through this; but that guides you into your next great adventure.
I love all of you, my big and beautiful widowed family. Let’s go in for a big-ass, comforting hug. Hugging one another, and hugging the ones we have lost; who have brought us together. I hope you know that wherever you are in your tsunami, you honor their life and their love – by living, and by sharing your love forward. Love Grows Love.
And now, it is my honor to introduce to you all, your new Sunday writer; Grace Villafuerte.
Grace’s longtime partner passed away in late 2014, and since then, Grace has attended and presented at many Camp Widow events. Grace has worked in social services in Sonoma County for 28 years, is a SAGE trainer, and works closely with older adults – many in the LGBTQ community. Most of her professional and non-professional life is filled with participating in and organizing LGBTQ events, facilitating discussion groups, and fundraising for non-profits that work with HIV clients and LGBTQ youth. I have met Grace in person, and she is a phenomenal human being with an enormous heart, and I proudly pass the widowed writing honors into her very capable hands. May the love continue to be shared, valued, and honored.
With so much love, gratitude, and an endless amount of commas – may a beautiful life await you all.
Kelley Lynn
