The life of a widow often makes very little sense. The thoughts inside my head often make very little sense. All the things I wish I could tell Don, 13 years later. Many of them would make no sense to tell him, A lot of these things wouldnt even be happening if he were alive, and yet, my craving and longing to share these things with him, feels stronger than ever.
Its like the more things I go through, the more I want to share it with him. The more I want his opinion or perspective or comfort. Always comfort. His easygoing way of making me feel better, and validated, and loved, and talented, and so very special. Yes, I have learned to think these things about myself and give myself these things, but I miss his presence in my day and in my life, and I miss his laugh. Being out there in the world and trying to search for maybe another partner (eventually), it has become obvious that its really hard to find Don’s level of empathy, banter, wit, easygoing style, and amazing humor, all in one human being. Its just really hard.
Anyway, today I want to tell Don that a couple years back, a film crew showed up at Camp Widow in San Diego and Toronto, to make a documentary about camp widow. While there, they filmed my comedic presentation, as part of their footage. Fast-forward to now. The documentary is finished, it is now a “short film”, about 15 minutes in length, and will be aired on PBS later this year. I am one of a handful of people that are considered “principles” in the film, and the film will premiere at the SXSW Film Festival (south by southwest) in Austin, Texas. The film is one of 11 films in the short film category/documentary, and I am SO EXCITED to be part of this, and so excited for SSI, and for how this will help so many more widowed people find their tribe. And more than anything, I want to tell Don all about it, even though it wouldnt be a thing I was involved in if he wasnt dead, so wanting to tell him is the weirdest feeling. But what isnt weird in this widowed life? Literally everything is weird. I guess I just still havent learned quite how to carry that.
