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Idle Thoughts instead of~

Posted on: August 24, 2016 | Posted by: Alison Miller

Idle thoughts because I feel like shit and can’t summon up the energy to form a full sentence~

Being sick sucks. 

Being sick while widowed sucks bigger.

It adds to the sense of aloneness.

Even when it’s only a head cold, but the exhaustion of living years without your person sets in at the same time and it becomes bigger than it is.

It makes me wonder what old age will feel like now, going through it alone.

How do you fix silence when the silence comes from the emptiness within your heart?

How often have you heard the word brave and courageous to describe what you’re doing since your person died?  And yet, how often have you actually felt brave as you live this life without him/her?

Do you feel brave?

Or is it just that there is no other choice other than to continue living, whatever that means for any of us.

It’s the heaviness of it, you know.  The weight that descended upon my body when Chuck died.  It’s constant.

I guess that’s why I’m always so tired.  Carrying that weight, you know.

No matter what I do, that weight never seems to go away.

A dear widow sister told me at one point it doesn’t change.  We just get stronger to carry it.  That makes sense to me.

So I need to get stronger, physically.

Right now, I feel like shit, though, with this head cold.  So I guess I’ll get stronger later.

Categories: Uncategorized

About Alison Miller

My beloved husband Chuck died while we were full timing on the road. We’d rented a condo for our stay in southern CA, and I had to leave 3 weeks after his death. All I knew at that time was that I had to find a way to continue traveling on my own, because settling down without him made me break into a cold sweat. I knew that the only place I’d find any connection to Chuck again was out on the roads we’d been traveling for our last 4 years together. I knew nobody out on the road, I knew grief was a great isolator, and I knew I had to change the way I traveled without him, to make it more emotionally bearable for me. So I bought a new car, had a shade of pink customized for it, bought a tiny trailer and painted the trim in pink, learned how to tow and camp, and set out alone. My anxiety was through the roof, and all I knew to trust was the Love that Chuck left behind for me. I found Soaring Spirits early on, thank god, and the connections I made through SS helped ground me to some extent. I needed to know that other widow/ers were out there in my world, because I felt so disoriented and dislocated. Through Soaring Spirits, as the miles added up, my rig taking me north, south, east and west, I found community. I found sanity…or at least I learned that if I was bat shit crazy, I was in good company, and realizing that ultimately saved my sanity. PinkMagic, my rig, is covered with hundreds of names of loved ones sent to me by my widowed community, and I know it isn’t visible to the naked eye, but I’ll let you in on a secret…she actually illuminates Love as I drive down the many roads in our country, and I can see it through my side view mirror. Love does, indeed, live on~

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