Who Am I Now?
The new me was born on April 15, 2021. The new me attended a four day conference with my new name found in its title: widow.
The new me is still trying to figure things out.
I’m not the same person I was before Dan died. I cannot turn the clock back to find that other person I used to be. One of the talks at Camp Widow provided a lens for me to see the new me.
Early Grief
Here are just a few of the things widows often experience:
- Sadness
- Forgetfulness
- Being overwhelmed
- Difficulty focusing on tasks
- Experiencing a lack of drive
- Disordered eating
- Fear
It helps to name these things. Taking stock of the symptoms of grief helps to normalize things that feel worrisome, awkward, and inconvenient.
Respect Your New Self
The latest way that I am respecting the new me is by drinking from a Badass Widow mug. I believe that one must be somewhat of a badass to survive this kind of loss. All widows and widowers, each in their own way, can wear this nickname.
A generous act of kindness brought this special mug to me. The lovely winner of a Soaring Spirits auction gift containing this mug and other memorabilia from the very first Camp Widow in Australia, generously gave me the gift when we met on the elevator.
She said, “This is yours.”
It is a kindness I shall never forget.
The New Me Matters
Here are some valuable insights to consider about the new me.
Warning: Read slowly to really take in these words of wisdom for yourself:
- The new me deserves a great life.
- The new me has something unique to contribute to the world.
- The new me is not less than the old me.
- The new me matters!
- The new me allowed herself to be changed by love and grief.
We receive the “bad” when we lose our spouse. It shows up in the loss we feel when our person leaves.
Receiving the “good” is actually optional. We have to find the good. We have to seek it out.
Love the New Self
The talk, Missing the Old Me reminded me about the message on the second mug from the Aussie Camp Widow basket: Hold on to the Love. These words remind me that I can take the love that Dan and I shared and incorporate it into my life now.
The work of creating a new life for myself is actually honoring the person who helped to shape the “me” I am becoming. Because of the love we shared and the life we built together I can do things I never thought I could.
This is the new us.
The new us shows up in the way that we are connected now—after his death—through memories, signs he is near, and the sense of gratitude I feel for having shared life with him.
“Hold onto the love”, the cup suggests.
“I will,” I reply. “You can bet I will.”
Post Script: Full disclosure. The lovely talk I attended, which this post is based on, was given by my daughter, Michele Neff Hernandez.
Thank you, Michele, for allowing yourself to be changed by love and grief. Over time, and through your strong commitment to do the inner work, you transmuted your pain from Phillip’s death into an abundance of blessing for others (including me!)
Love you so much–Mom–XO
