What is tough about being mad at a late partner posthumously, is there are limited ways to reach resolution!

We both have several bins with our past momentos – both important and (ultimatel)y unimportant. I was going through one of her tote bins that I had never gone through, and it has tons of photographs – most still in the original envelopes that photos came in when we picked them up from the store (along with the negatives!). I have been going thru these dusty bins in order to declutter, minimize, etc. Since she passed nearly 12 years ago, I have automatically overlooked going through these bins because – of course I am not going to get rid of anything in them! They are Lynn’s photos that she kept for years, so obviously they are important to her, so of course I won’t get rid of anything in them! Wellll… of COURSE, in these photos, there are memories / experiences from her past.. WITH of course, ex-partners from her past. (Can you see where this is going, lol?!) I found photos from her vacations with ex-partners (uber appropriate photos, by the way!), and I was surprised that I had a bit of a reaction! I suppose nothing was a “shocking” surprise. There were no trips or memories that she would have kept a secret from me. BUT, I was surprised to find that an ex-partner (who I knew about) had joined her on a foreign work trip (in the 90’s). The bratty, jealous, sarcastic teenager living inside me had thoughts of, “Well! I didn’t know SHE joined you on THAT trip! How nice that you took HER to Hong Kong! I hope she had a GREAT time!!!” There were more photos with another ex when they visited Portugal, South America, etc.

Again, there was nothing that was necessarily kept a secret from me… I just got cranky because we had never travelled overseas as much as WE had planned to!!! And yes, my brain tells me the mature and logical way to process this is to recognize Lynn is allowed to have these experiences in her past, and of course she wanted to live more life and have even better and more amazing adventures with ME! I would just like a moment to let myself to have a more reactive, immature emotion instead of a mature brain.

It was only a few months ago that I (finally) felt okay with throwing out her honeymoon album from her marriage a million years ago (it was an album from the 80’s, for goodness sake!). I had come across the album a few times before, and always put it back in the tote bin where she had left it. I have never really stopped to consider throwing it away before. It was just an automatic thought to keep it since Lynn had kept it in her possession all these years. I finally threw it out because I realized, 1) I did not actually want to keep it, had no reason to, would NEVER look at the pics, so why was I keeping it?! 2) Lynn probably did not necessarily want to keep it as a keepsake of her honeymoon, but rather had kept it as memories of her travels, or just forgot it existed. 3) I would have thought to send it to her ex, but realized this was not necessary as they have a family now, and again – this album was from 35+ years ago! And yet, I was still oddly hesitant about throwing this album out – this album of fuzzy, low quality pictures of a trip neither person cared about anymore.

I think I came to a realization that – these were Lynn’s life / memories – NOT mine. They have no place – energetically or physically – in my very limited space – physically and mentally! Lynn and her ex are welcome to keep those memories however they want, but I am no longer the keeper of the physical souvenirs of that journey.

Okay, so what about the current photos I found?! Oh boy… that was a “spirited” afternoon of me aggressively throwing them into the trash bin! I had some very sarcastic comments to say to Lynn (sorry neighbors!) while I was doing so. And – I am glad I let myself be bratty… I am usually trying to intentionally be a “good widow.” To appreciate and understand Lynn’s journey – both when she was here physically and now in spirit. It feels unfair to have an argument with her when she cannot argue back. (Also, it has made me consider, if I were to pass unexpectedly, are there things I would not want a current partner to come across?! Let he who is without sin cast the first stone…)

Honestly, it felt cathartic to throw out the photos and not feel guilty (which I am apt to feel). I have MANY photos that I plan to send to her friends / family who might want it. I feel very comfortable with letting them decide to throw them out if they want.