Gary is out of town this week but this blog entry is worth a re-read. Enjoy!
Today’s theme concerning moving forward seems to be one that I gravitate toward with some frequency in these musings. In the next week alone I will be meeting Amy and Vik for dinner, and next week have made plans to see Paul and Joanne, along with Wendell and Steve. Of course, Amy was Lee’s dear friend, Vik is Amy’s husband, Paul is Lee’s brother, Joanne is Lee’s sister-in-law, and Wendell is someone whom Lee, Paul and Joanne know from their small hometown in Michigan. Steve is Wendell’s partner.
While Lee was still alive, I would have been happy for the opportunity to stay home by myself while she socialized. The fact is, Lee and I enjoyed a busy social life. Between us, we had several circles of friends: Our old mutual friends, a small group of more recent friends that included a few of the neighbors, work friends, Lee’s friends, my friends. Often, I relished alone time.
However, after Lee died, I was determined not to lean on my grief over her loss as an excuse to lay low. I could have chosen to stay home, hunkering down in the relatively comfortable material digs that we had built together. I was determined not to let this occur because as sad as I felt, as emotionally fragile, as prone to uncontrolled tears or angry fist-shaking, deep down I knew that I would have to go on living.
My friends and our mutual friends were consistently supportive as one would expect, and early on I was only too happy to take advantage of their generosity. The surprising thing for me is that today I also count certain former acquaintances, mainly Lee’s friends and family members, among my friends.
This is not a mere happy accident. Did I make a conscious decision to befriend these individuals? That would be a bold claim. What I will say is that I hoped at least some of these relationships might develop as they have. And, along the way I came to appreciate that moving forward would require my willingness to invest time and energy to get involved in the lives of others. The truth is, with Lee consistently running interference for us, I often was lazy when it came to building or maintaining relationships.
***
I once had a friend, Mike, who was also a professional colleague. I can state unequivocally that, with the sole exception of Lee, he might have been the nicest person I have known. And, like Lee, Mike had an array of serious health issues to deal with, yet I never heard him to complain. Overall, I suppose Mike would fall into the category of work friends I mentioned earlier. Our warm and longstanding friendship would ebb and flow over time. During one such ebb that occurred after we stopped working together, I would tell myself that I ought to reach out to Mike but kept putting it off for no good reason. Tomorrows would come and go. Weeks turned into months. Finally, just as I had determined that I was going to follow up, another colleague happened to mention to me that he heard Mike died. I checked. It was true.
This occurred a couple of decades back, maybe longer now. Still, whenever Mike comes to mind, I regret my egocentric laziness.
***
Speaking of regrets, back in the present I have gotten so much back from these investments I now wish that I had changed my wicked ways sooner. The friends I will be seeing are smart and interesting folks, who have much to impart, which is an eye-opener for a know-it-all like myself. For example, I have learned that Wendell is an well-regarded architect with a high-end clientele, but also find that he has a caustic and appealing sense of humor. Amy holds an advanced degree from a prestigious school that she acquired mid-career not only because she was interested in expanding her learning base and professional skills, but because she needed to challenge herself in a rigorous academic setting. Paul and Joanne lead charitable lives. As for Steve, well, the truth is that I do not know Steve very well.
We each have our own reasons for doing whatever it is that we do. Since Lee died, I have been volunteering my time at a local food pantry. I do not enjoy the work. I cannot say that I derive deep personal satisfaction from this work. However, the way I see it, I have been fortunate in my life, others less so, and donating my time a few hours each week seems like the least I could do. I cannot speak to Paul or Joanne’s charitable motivations, although I suspect it has to do with their religious upbringings. I will make a point of asking them about this when we meet next week. Meanwhile, the saying goes, you either walk the walk or talk the talk. Well, compared against my own minimal efforts, I would say that Paul and Joanne are walking tall.
***
Would I have made these efforts if Lee had lived? I sincerely doubt it. Meanwhile, my opportunities to interact with an ever-expanding network of friends, and to observe firsthand how these folks manage their lives while navigating life’s complexities, provide motivation to achieve my best life.
But I also have a second and more deeply felt motivating factor. I know that Imitation is supposed to be the sincerest form of flattery, but you can take it from me, trying to emulate Lee’s code of personal conduct imposes a ridiculously high bar. Yet, even my feeble efforts to borrow Lee’s best character traits –her kindness, empathy, generosity of spirit – take your pick, lets me honor her life and memory. And, in the process, if even a little bit of Lee rubs off, I will be the better for it.
