Yesterday marked the fifth anniversary of Lee’s death. Not a day passes, nor many moments, when she is out of mind. My memories of Lee –even the sad ones- are part of her legacy. I sincerely wish this were not the case because, in an alternative universe, Lee would still be healthy, and happily, we would grow old together. Whether this life would have involved the extensive travel that we started planning for even before Lee’s retirement, or merely the quiet enjoyment of a home we had designed to “age in place” in safety and comfort, these dreams are destined to remain unfulfilled.
Ironically, today, I have both the ability and the means to travel extensively. Today, Lola the pup and I live by ourselves in the home that Lee and I had envisioned, where, with a bit of luck, I can remain to the day I die.
Still, there are days like yesterday, admittedly rare, and far less frequent now than in the immediate aftermath of Lee’s passing, reminding me how empty life can sometimes feel without her living in it. No matter how many years I might have left, I’ll never escape it, I suppose, and I wouldn’t want to even if I could.
***
These days, five years can feel like an exceedingly long time. The reality is, it’s only been five years since Lee’s death, but in this time a lot has changed. Of course, five years ago, the world was experiencing a terrifying and unprecedented pandemic that permanently altered daily life for many of us. On a more personal note, during this same time, I voluntarily withdrew from my full-time career as a lawyer after more than forty years of service to my community. My decision was prompted by Lee’s death, inspired by the recognition that you have one life but endless opportunities.
Also, during this time, I acquired the companionship and love of Lola the pup. In the past five years, I might have spent more time in her company than any other living creature. She is my first, and, given my age, likely my last and only, dog. She is a fine and loyal friend, whose uplifting company helps get me past life’s occasional rough spots with a laugh and a smile. I have witnessed Lola work her charms on Robyn, who can be a tough sell. I wish Lee could have known Lola the pup.
Importantly, during the past five years, I met Robyn, whose love lifts me even higher than Lola’s. Initially, I felt conflicted about my strong feelings for her, as if this revealed I was being unfaithful to Lee. However, in time, I have come to see there is enough room in my heart to love Robyn without doing the slightest injustice to my enduring love for Lee, and indeed, there is room enough to love them both.
***
I keep Lee’s ashes in two small urns. Since last year, I had been contemplating spreading some of them to commemorate this fifth anniversary of her death. As this anniversary rapidly approached, I was still undecided where to honor her, and whether to invite others to participate in this solemn event. Eventually, my indecision forced me to conclude against acting in haste. There is nothing magical about the passage of five years. So, I will defer the matter until I am certain the place and time are right for me. Lee won’t mind; after all, she has moved beyond the reach of time.
