Hello Friends. Happy Sunday! Or, for those of you who are not using the word “happy” right now as part of your vocabulary, then I get it, and I wish you simply “Sunday.”

Today is Fathers Day, and over the past 13 years since my husband’s sudden death, this day has varied in terms of getting through it. The first few years, it was pretty heart-wrenching. My sole focus was on the idea that Don Shepherd would never have the opportunity to live more life, or to be an amazingly loving dad – the kind of dad that he himself deserved and never had. Seeing my niece and nephew was always hard those first few years, because it was a glaring shining reminder of the kids I will never get to have, the kids that my brother’s kids would never get to know or play with or love. As the years went on, though, Fathers Day became less heart-wrenching, and moved over to just plain sad. I would get sad on this day. And yes, I had my own wonderful dad to love and to focus on each year, and doing that certainly helped. It was just really hard to not feel the intense losses on this day.

Now, almost thirteen years later, my parents live two hours away on Cape Cod, and my dad has the beginning stages of dementia with Alzheimers. We slowly see more evidence of his disease as the days and months pass. In just about an hour or so, after writing this, Im driving there to go see him – and mom, of course – for Fathers Day. We are having lunch today at the restaurant where they live, and I’m bringing down some of his favorite Finnish treats from the local bakery here, plus the scratch-off lottery tickets he still likes to do, and a card. On the way down, Im going to call my brother and remind him what a great dad HE is, like I do each year lately, and Im going to text the kids and remind THEM to be extra nice to their dad today, because they have one of the best. And then Im just going to enjoy the time I have with my parents, and their aging versions of themselves, and all their quirks and oddities. It’s been a rough week here at home, getting ready to list our house which will be this coming Wednesday, so I very much need this little overnight re-set.

Divorce sucks. Not getting to live the marriage you thought you had sucks. Losing your dad in tiny pieces to a cruel disease sucks. And yes, even all these years later, in a very different way, knowing that Don never got to live a long life and be an incredible dad – that sucks too. I miss the things we never got to have. I miss our future that we never got to experience, maybe more so now because the present isn’t exactly happy, and my own future is so up in the air. Who the hell knows. I just miss Don something extra right now, and have been missing him hard for awhile.

It helps coming here and writing about all of this. I hope it helps you to read it, and maybe relate it to wherever you are in your grief tsunami. Wherever you are at right now, if Fathers Day feels impossible today, please know that this is normal, and that how you feel today will not be how you feel forever. Acknowledge those emotions. It will help you in getting through to tomorrow.

Thanks for being here.