Hello Peeps. Its been an interesting weekend. Friday night me and an old friend from high school, who is also going through a divorce, spent an overnight at Mohegan Sun casino and resort, to see comedian Jon Stewart (of “The Daily Show” fame). We both really needed some laughter, and boy did he deliver. Along with the political commentary that he is well known for and that I wont get into here since we arent supposed to get too political in this forum – he also talked a lot about getting older, and the hilarious and weird things that happen when you age. It was such a wonderful evening with a good friend.

Then yesterday afternoon, I met up with my ex-husband because I still have some of his things that I agreed to hold onto during the chaotic rush of us moving out and him having nowhere to put some items, as he was leaving for a trip to the Caribbean. Yup. My husband left me for life on an island with the bluest/greenest water youve ever seen, gorgeous beaches, and zero responsibility. Am I bitter about it? What do you think? Do I sound bitter? Can you sense the sarcasm in my type? Yes. Im a little bit bitter. And sad. And lots of other things. its very complicated.

Of course I want him to be happy and do well in life, because I love him and there is still love between us. But it feels like he is doing better without me, and it feels like he chose a life of serenity and relaxation without me, instead of maybe trying to figure out a way for us to live that sort of life together. To make both of our lives easier, instead of just his. Maybe sell the house together and get a condo somewhere with a pool, and then go on road trips like we used to before being house-broke, and I could keep doing my grief counseling virtually, and just live a simpler, less expensive life. I dont know if that would have worked out, but it wasnt even mentioned as something he wanted. Because the truth is, he didnt want me anymore. He didnt want to be with me anymore as a partner. He just wanted to divorce me, and yes, that really stings and hurts, especially because I feel like I was beside him and supportive through SO MANY things that many others would have walked away from. I was there, and Ive always been there for him, because that is what you do in a marriage, and also because I very much wanted us to make it, despite the very real fact that we had a lot of issues in our relationship.

I feel like even though we may very well be better off not being together, I just wish it felt like he had exhausted every attempt to remain together. I wish he fought for us the way that I wanted to. I wish we had talked to each other better and healthier, and could try to get back a new version of the amazing love we had in the beginning, before house bills and stress, and pandemic and job insecurity, and health issues and money issues, and SO MANY other things. I know enough to know that you cant ever “go back” in a relationship, but maybe we could have found a way to go forward together, instead of apart. But he didnt want that. And that will always hurt. And at this point, Im not sure I would want that either. Because the feeling of being somewhere that you are no longer wanted, is a terrible way to feel.

So yesterday I had dinner with the ex, after giving him his stuff back. He offered to take me to dinner, to thank me. It was nice. It was weird. It was a lot of things, existing all at once. He looked good. He looked relaxed. He looked healthy. I probably looked stressed and tired. We talked about different things. We talked about the little things we both miss – because we are no longer together. Scrabble matches, watching Jeopardy, his cooking, our pool, giving reviews of hotel showers in great detail together, so many tiny things that become huge when you seperated. And once again, even though it was emotional and at times hard for me to hear about his life of ease in the aftermath of us, I was left feeling thankful that he is alive for me to be jealous of and he is alive for me to be sad with and for us to talk about how weird divorce can be, and he is alive for us to have this “complicated” thing now that we figure out as we go along, and he is alive to be my “ex” instead of my “dead” husband.

Because for me, as a widow, it always comes back to that. This sucks so badly, and Im really having a hard time with it and struggle sometimes to live inside my day to day reality of struggling financially, juggling different jobs, always trying to find something better, never getting ahead, not feeling fulfilled, making more and more sacrifices just to keep surviving, being almost 53 and STILL asking the universe: WHEN am I going to finally get a break and live an easier life???

And, despite all of that, there is this. I get to BE ALIVE. And Nick gets to be alive. And we both get to have the honor and the privilege of LIFE, and the opportunity to figure out hard things and to figure out what our lives look like as not partners but friends? I still don’t know. But we get to figure these things out, and we get to sit down and have a weird dinner together, instead of one of us just being dead forever.

And yes, ALL OF THIS makes me miss Don in a whole new way, and in a very profound way, and all over again. So that hurts too. And as little sense as this next statement makes, I soooo wish he was here right now, to help love me though this. And to help me heal.