So last week I totally forgot to write in here.
This is not the first time I have forgotten my widow duties.
It has nothing at all to do with getting remarried or not WANTING or needing to write in here.
I love writing in here.
It has more to do with trying to find the time, living a life of chaos, and trying to work 3 jobs during a pandemic, so that I can keep paying down my debt, and maybe one day finally be in a position to not always be struggling so hard just to maintain. (let me also add that these rants have nothing at all to do with my partner. He is awesome and provides for us – this is more of a rant about ME always being in a financially hard place.)
So, my most recent part time job has very early hours, and it has me up at 4:30am in the morning on some days, so Im exhausted the rest of the day and ready for bed by 9pm some nights. I used to have Fridays off. Not anymore. Now I get up at 430 or 5am, and get ready for work driving/monitoring for the small, mini-van type buses that take kids with autism and special needs to school. Its a good part time gig that feels meaningful and important, and also is much needed income right now when the real estate world is super slow on the buyers side. So, I dont mind the job. What I DO mind is that I will be 50 years old in September, and since I was 18 years old and left home for NYC to go to college and become a famous actor/writer/comedian, I have been struggling financially. I have ALWAYS struggled to make ends meet, and I know Ive talked about it in here before, but here I am bringing it up again, because Im tired of it. Im tired of never having enough money. Im tired of my dreams and passions, which now include doing speaking engagements and book events and talking with my widowed community friends, always having to take a backseat, and sometimes being erased all together, because I just dont have the time/money/energy. All I want to do is spend my time making widowed people’s lives better somehow, and/or doing some comedic acting work and writing, and it makes me sad that I cant do those things. Sure, I do them sometimes, but I always have to squeeze them in, and Im always exhausted and broke and then sometimes I forget to write in here, because my life is filled with endless things I need to get done before Im allowed to do the things I really want to do.
Its not fair. I just want to either find a way to make income doing what I love, which has proven to be impossible so far – or win the lottery and stop worrying about stupid money all the time. At least I didnt forget to write the blog today. But Im writing it on very limited time, in between my morning and afternoon work shifts, and I have to leave the apartment in about 20 minutes.
So, today, you get me whining about that. Sorry. It just gets really tiresome.
I love you all, and I wish I didnt have to miss Soaring Spirits Regional Group meetings, forget to write in this blog, or think about limiting my involvement with Camp Widow, due to not being able to afford all the trips there (when life is back to sort of normal again with travel.) Definitely buying that lottery ticket tonight on my way home.