Widow's Voice

Both/And

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Both/And thinking [the opposite of either/or thinking] recognizes the folly of assuming that the new will totally supplant the old. Seeing with Both/And eyes recognizes that two opposite realities can be integrated.
Adapted from Daniel Burrus at Burrus Research
Both / And
Photo courtesy of Edurne Chopeitia @edurnetx via Unsplash

Today’s repost is certainly one worth sharing again!

Today marks two months and two weeks since my beloved, Daniel Paul Neff, took his last breath.

He was luckier than some AND had it harder than others.

Dan was independent AND interdependent.

As I consider him from this new vantage point, I value our unique differences AND I find that I am not myself without him.

 

How are you?

I’m okay . . .

I’m lost, actually.

I am not myself.

But I’m okay . . .

 

At two months and two weeks of being in this new state called “widowhood” time feels the trickster AND I wonder if I am in time, on time, out of time, or if I’m in some sort of strange time-out.

Something in me reminds me it is time to do this or that and I reply, “It’s time to take a nap.”

 

How are you?

I’m okay . . .

If you don’t count

the

crying

episode

in the veterinarian’s office

when I imagined

my dog

dead

before morning.

But I’m okay.

 

 

As a widow, I am now totally and completely in charge of my life without any requirement to run my decisions by anyone AND I desperately miss that guy whose voice always helped me to know that everything will be okay.

Like object and reflection, both are real. My competence stands right next to the solace I gained from him. The loss of him stands right next to the larger-than-life presence that I miss.

 

I’ve heard it said that there is a time for everything.

If that’s true, then there is a time for knowing and a time for not knowing;

a time for feeling loss and a time for tuning into a new kind of awareness of him;

a time for tears and a time for laughter;

a time for emptiness and a time for grateful remembering.

Dan’s ring resized for my right hand, the left with my original wedding band and mother’s ring. The pendent is the symbol that represents our continued journey together in a new way.

 

How are you?

I’m okay . . .

Really.

I am.

Even though

I’m wreaked.

Even though

I’ll never the same again.

But I’m okay.

 

Thanks for asking.

—a widow

 

Today I am conscious that there is a time to keep going.

Today I choose to keep going AND in certain moments I don’t really know how to do that.

Today I choose to

reach out

and

look for that which will

help me

to keep going.

Today I am sad AND I am happy . . . as I travel the land of both/and.

Couple dancing.
A local place we used to go for drinks and dinner. The saxophone player and informal dancing was part of the bar’s mystique.

 

About Kathie Neff

Kathie Neff was widowed on April 15, 2021. She and her beloved husband, Dan, were high school sweethearts and enjoyed dancing and riding horses together. They lived in gratitude, hope and forgiveness for 50 years and nine months when Dan passed quietly late at night, surrounded by their seven children who, with Kathie, were caring for him in their family home.

Dan and Kathie have been a part of Camp Widow and Soaring Spirits International since its inception, as members of Michele Neff Hernandez’s cadre of helpers from the Neff family.

Kathie believes strongly in the strength and bond that is the gift of community and brings a heart of love for all who have been affected by death and dying.

Long live love. XO