Last week, my Uncle Richard died. My dad’s brother, who had dementia for 12 years, lost that battle surrounded by his wife, my Aunt Debbie, and his daughters, my cousins. There will be a memorial service in a couple of weeks, and I have offered to help my Aunt write a eulogy, and Im also going to be the one who gives the eulogy. My aunt is very nervous about getting through the service, and doesnt think she can get through giving a speech without breaking down. I told her I wrote and gave the eulogy at my own husbands funeral, so I can certainly do it for my Uncle and for my amazing Aunt, who has been the best caregiver ever for over a decade. She is exhausted, and deserves to rest and have family get her through this.

I went to her condo a few days ago, and sat with her, asking her things like: what was Uncle Richard like as a husband? What are some of your favorite memories together? What were some of his very best qualities? We ended up having the nicest conversation, and I learned so much more about my Uncle. Now Im going to gather memories from my dad, and all of Richards kids and grandkids. In addition to this, my Aunt has been sending me text messages at random saying things like: “How the hell did you DO this?” and “I just woke up in the middle of the night to pee, and instinctively called out to Richard that Id be right back, because for the past ten years, every time I got up in the middle of the night, he would call out my name and ask where I was going. Then I realized he wont ever call out for me again, and I cried for an hour. HOW DID YOU DO THIS?” My heart is breaking for her, AND Im so thankful that Im finally in a place in my grief where I can HELP in a very real way, without it triggering me back into a place of deep sadness. And also, my dad keeps thanking me for being able to do this for my Aunt, and for him. Im looking forward to hearing his memories and chosen words that he wants me to say about Uncle Richard.

Years ago, still early into my loss, I often hated it when a friend or acquaintence would lose a spouse to death, and then Id get a message or email asking me what to do, or how to get through this. I was still going through my own deep grief, and even though I always tried to help, it often exhausted me or triggered me back into my own loss, or I just wasnt in a place yet where I really knew what to tell them, other than “this really sucks! I got nothin!”

Now, all these years later, I not only feel like I can help, but I truly want to, and its truly a privilege.