The past month of semi-retirement has been a bit foggy, exhaustion despite not doing much, and I still get those familiar and icky waves of the “Sunday scaries” (work stress). It did NOT meet my expectations that on Day 1 and forward I would get up bright eyed and bushy tailed, go for a run, cook and eat healthy all day long, and be productive but relaxed, and I would live happily ever after. Ha! LUCKILY, a just-retired coworker had told me that they were very discombobulated during their first month or so of retirement. Thank goodness she told me this before I retired, so I knew my seeming lack of motivation was “normal”. (Yes – very similar to widows sharing with other widows the TRUTH of our grief journeys and what realistic timelines actually look like.)

Everyone’s card seemed to have some variation of a saying regarding my “new chapter!” And it was not until after reading their cards that it struck me that this was indeed a new chapter, and that 1) it’s the first one in a long time where I am the one who got to choose starting a new chapter, and 2) despite it being a “positive” new chapter, it still shares many characteristics of the chapters that started with deep loss and that were not my choosing.

I did not expect that the change of identity from a lifelong career as a Social Worker to a retired SW would make me feel a little guilty. I have not told many people I have retired, and it’s partly because most of my friends are either in social services or are educators, and are the most selfless and hardest working people in the world. I almost feel like I am leaving them behind. Similarly, I had a hard time transitioning from being part of a Superpower couple, and going forth as a solo mortal in the world without superpowers anymore after Lynn passed away. It seemed WRONG and I felt so incomplete moving forward in this new identity. And as with having the privilege of working in the best field in the world (in my humble opinion), it does feel like taking off a cape when I put the word “retired” in front of SW.

While previous new chapters started due to unexpected death (Lynn and later, my Mom), and THIS one started with an exciting journey in front of me, I am surprised to experience that it has still been a mix of bittersweet feelings and difficulty getting excited about the opportunities I now have. It takes awhile for my brain and heart to go from the familiar routine of what my work days – and off work days – looked like, to having the discipline and creativity to figure out and establish a new routine. I remembered the first few months after Lynn passed, the complete exhaustion and fogginess. I told myself to just get two things accomplished every day – get out of bed by 11am, and feed the dogs. Later, I was able to push myself more, and give myself daily tasks of showering before noon, and walk the dogs at least once a day.  It seems sooo silly to have to discipline myself in a similar way now! But, my brain and body are learning that it is OKAY to read a book or go for a run or take a nap in the middle of the day. I worked four-tens for almost 19 years, (four days a week / 10 hours a day), and I did all my life businessy stuff on Fridays. I now can and should take care of these tasks asap, and I still feel like I need to wait until Friday to do it. Ridiculous, lol!

I DO feel I am ready to push myself in this retirement journey – just like I pushed myself a few months and then a few years after Lynn passed. And, similar to now – I just passed the three year mark since my Mom passed, and I am ready to push myself to do more than I have been able to do so since she passed.

Unlike the grief quotes, I have found that retirement quotes are WAY more cute and fun!!! My current favorite is, “I’m not retiring, I’m rewiring!” Dr. Rebecca Smith-Coggins.