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After Death Shockers~

Posted on: August 2, 2017 | Posted by: Alison Miller

I guess one of the most shocking aspects following Chuck’s death was the necessity to let go of relationships that had always seemed strong and secure.  Or, if not strong and secure, at least managed. Family relationships, right?

Seriously. 

It was brought home to me that a relationship that I’d thought was okay, and fairly honest, was toxic to me and, yes, existed only because of him.  That was hard and I felt guilty for letting go, knowing how it would hurt Chuck to know such a thing had happened.  I had so much guilt about it for so long…

But words became swords and the impact almost hospitalized me, which shocked me again, because I always considered myself stronger than I was at that moment that saw me on the floor, in the midst of my first anxiety attack.  And, Jesus, the hugeness of the attack terrified me.

Sigh…

A few years later I had to let go of my best friend of almost 50 years.  She took my shared confidences regarding the other relationship, and tried to make the slander even bigger, maligning a man who’d considered her a friend, who’d helped her so much in the past, accusing me, separately, of dragging my husband’s name…I’m not sure…in the mud?  She was never clear on that.

Whatevs, right?

Fortunately, by the time the ugliness of her heart was revealed, I was a much stronger woman and not only was not affected in the least by her words, but was able to respond appropriately, and then end the friendship and realize it had been limping along for some time.  I was surprised at how emotionally easy the ending was, on my part.

It’s odd, isn’t it, what people do and say after a death? 

We need to take the words and actions of people like that and make the choice to hold them close or we can, as my mom sagely advised in my early years, consider the source.

Ugly hearts with ill intentions.

In the years since, the people in my life fill my life with love, not envy, not ugliness.

Early on, I was so vulnerable.  Every part of me was on the floor, in a fetal position, keening the death of the man who was everything in my life.

These 4 years and 3 months on, my heart is still shattered, I’m still keening inside, but I’m standing with determination, knowing in every part of me…every damn part of me…that Chuck left so much Love behind for me that it will carry me through whatever years I have to still live.  He was the man I knew, not the man they spoke about with their darkened hearts.

That I have to live without him…that I only have the memory of his Love for me, and mine for him…it isn’t enough, it will never be enough, but, at the same time, because I’m still alive and yes, I curse that fact… it has to be enough, and I know that what I had of Love, what I knew of Love, is more than most people get in a lifetime.

And the other side of that coin is what my heart carries, along with the Love.

Longing and more longing and a tangible skin ache.

I miss him so…

Categories: Uncategorized

About Alison Miller

My beloved husband Chuck died while we were full timing on the road. We’d rented a condo for our stay in southern CA, and I had to leave 3 weeks after his death. All I knew at that time was that I had to find a way to continue traveling on my own, because settling down without him made me break into a cold sweat. I knew that the only place I’d find any connection to Chuck again was out on the roads we’d been traveling for our last 4 years together. I knew nobody out on the road, I knew grief was a great isolator, and I knew I had to change the way I traveled without him, to make it more emotionally bearable for me. So I bought a new car, had a shade of pink customized for it, bought a tiny trailer and painted the trim in pink, learned how to tow and camp, and set out alone. My anxiety was through the roof, and all I knew to trust was the Love that Chuck left behind for me. I found Soaring Spirits early on, thank god, and the connections I made through SS helped ground me to some extent. I needed to know that other widow/ers were out there in my world, because I felt so disoriented and dislocated. Through Soaring Spirits, as the miles added up, my rig taking me north, south, east and west, I found community. I found sanity…or at least I learned that if I was bat shit crazy, I was in good company, and realizing that ultimately saved my sanity. PinkMagic, my rig, is covered with hundreds of names of loved ones sent to me by my widowed community, and I know it isn’t visible to the naked eye, but I’ll let you in on a secret…she actually illuminates Love as I drive down the many roads in our country, and I can see it through my side view mirror. Love does, indeed, live on~

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