I started writing here at Widow’s Voice as part of my own journey in this unfortunate “club”. But I also write so that other widowed people may stumble on these ramblings and potentially find some sort of solace or help or at least know that they’re not alone in what they’re going through (even though each journey is unique). In person, I’m a classic introvert, a hermit by choice, and generally enjoy a fair amount of alone time. So this is also one way for me to “get out there” and still maintain my private life.

Many of my posts focus on memories, emotions, and just going through everyday life as someone who’s lost their spouse to death. This one is going to be a bit more straight forward and back to my point of attempting to help others through my own experiences.

I still have crystal clear memories of those “early days” and facing them alone–in that I didn’t really know other widowed people. And in the state my brain and body were in from the evening of February 10th, 2021 until a good 12 months in, I didn’t even really think to look for any. I know that many people do look though.

Looking back however, this is advice I would give myself. Like, if I had a time machine I’d print this out and leave it somewhere I’d find it back then. If others find this helpful too, that’s wonderful. So here it goes …

Advice for the newly widowed (in no particular order):

• Breathe … not the autonomic type you do all day long, but sit down, alone, and focus on your breath, breathing deep through your nose and letting it slowly go from your mouth. Maybe it’s only a minute or a few breaths, but it does help. There is plenty of evidence out there to this fact. Go on YouTube and look for “breathwork for grief” and a lot of options will come up.
• Drink lots of water. Those “basic needs” type of things are easily forgotten when you’re thrown into the pit of grief. Plus, most of us are spending a fair amount of time crying and going through boxes of tissues. Don’t get dehydrated. If not water, get yourself some electrolyte drinks.
• Remember to eat. Just like water, you need food. You will most likely not have an appetite. I didn’t. The first thing I ate the evening Mario died was Dairy Queen chicken strips. I’m like 99.9% vegetarian. I don’t even like chicken. That’s how lost I was. But I knew I needed to eat something and that was on the way home and I wasn’t thinking. So my advice is to do your best. Give yourself some grace if you don’t pick the healthiest choice (you can get healthier after the initial shock fades a bit). You need calories to keep going. If a friend or family member offers to make you/bring you food, just take them up on it. If you have the budget, maybe start up one of those meal delivery services. If you’re the type that needs to “keep busy” to not think about things, use that to do stuff like meal prep.
• Sleep as much as you can. If you can stay on a regular schedule that’s optimal but don’t beat yourself up if you can’t. Just sleep when you can.
• Exercise if you can. Exercise is so beneficial in so many ways. It could just be taking a daily walk, or even doing house chores can be considered exercise. You don’t have to join a gym, but if you feel drawn to it, do it. I surprised the hell out of myself joining a gym. Did not ever consider myself the gym type, but honestly, it was one of the better things I did. The physical activity is a great stress relief.
• You may feel helpless or useless. I didn’t really feel helpless… maybe useless in the form of just not functioning well physically or mentally. I watched my mom go through a totally helpless phase after my dad died though, so I know it can happen. I think this is a part of grief. Like every other part of grief, you just have to ride the wave and know that at some point in the future there will be calm seas again.
• You may have guilt. I think this is another totally normal reaction to death. No matter how your spouse met their end, you may hold some measure of guilt about it. For me, I know I did everything possible that could have been done, but my spouse still died. That knowing doesn’t make it any easier.
• For working people: If you can, take time off from work. In my case, I have my own business. I AM my boss. I was not very easy on myself during those initial days and weeks. And trying to push through, for me, led to about 12 months of me not doing my best work because I was forcing myself to do it without a break. You know you though, so tap into your feelings and emotions here. I think most workplaces do make exceptions for death and give you some time off. It’s never enough though imo. You will have to go back and it may be pretty rough.
• Don’t let comments/advice from well-meaning friends/family get to you. I know this may be difficult. Your emotions right now are probably a class 5 hurricane (or you may be just the opposite and feel utterly empty and numb – or some netherworld in between … either way, you’re not feeling “normal” by any means). Anything that starts out with, “You should …” is most likely one of these types of comments/advice I’m referring to. Most of your actual friends and family (if you get along with family) really don’t know what to do or say. So they’re going to say stuff that they think is helpful but may not be and may totally come off sounding bad, uncaring, or worse. I don’t know really the best way to respond in those situations, but I do know that nothing good comes of stewing about it either. In hindsight, I wish I would have literally said something like, “I appreciate the advice, but I really don’t find that helpful right now”, but I’m sure that would have come off sounding cold.
• If you are severely depressed, feel like life is not worth living or slip into coping through drugs or alcohol, get professional help. This didn’t apply to me, but I know it can for many people who experience the death of their spouse. There are lots of resources out there form the 988 suicide hotline to local grief support groups and organizations like Soaring Spirits that have a lot of grief resources. And as far as drugs or alcohol goes, I’m not here to tell anyone what to do, but I will say I watched my spouse commit slow suicide by drinking and everything he went through up until his very last day when the suffering was only eased through copious amounts of morphine. To say it “wasn’t pretty” would be the understatement of the century. I don’t wish that path on anyone.
• Write down stuff that you have to do and don’t rely on your brain to remember it all on your own. If you’re someone that uses electronic reminders or calendars, that could work too. There are a TON of “to-do’s” that are forced onto widowed people (in addition to all the other regular life to-do’s). A lot of the to-do’s revolve around financial stuff. One thing I stumbled on (before I stumbled onto Soaring Spirts), was the Wings for Widows organization. I highly recommend them. The service is free and they literally give you a step-by-step guide for all things financial after you lose your spouse.
• Order at least 6 death certificates. Yes, it will cost you a fair amount, but you’re going to need them. Some places will accept copies, many want originals. There is also a short form and a long form, so order both.
• Lean into distractions … but don’t get lost in them. By this I mean, if you find certain activities give you a bit of distraction from what you’re going through, indulge yourself, but know they’re distractions – you will have to face anything you’re delaying. That first twelve months for me was a lot of distractions and bad prioritizing on my part. I eventually snapped out of it, but I lost a lot of time and I still struggle with prioritizing things because of all that time I spent falling into the distraction trap.
• Lean into the things that still bring you joy. Could be a hobby, could be your pet(s), could be watching a favorite movie … whatever it is, you may have to put some extra effort into this, but it is so worth it. Little pick-me-ups can go a long way.
• Grief can cause physical pain. This one really took me by surprise because I had no idea really since other grief I had experienced up until this time did not have a physical element. I had weird shooting/stabbing head pains and weird aches I’d never had. Of course I turned to the internet to search what was going on and stumbled on the fact that it could be caused by grief. You can always visit a doctor, but if they don’t turn up anything and any tests come out okay, it may just be a component of your grief.
• You will have regrets. This is normal. We all have regrets. We all have those things we wish we would have said or done. There was supposed to be time, but time ran out. Take all the time you need to process these regrets.
• Things will be weird. I mean quite literally everything will be weird, at least it was for me. The living space you shared with your spouse is going to be weird without them there. Doing any daily thing that included your spouse is going to be weird without them. Going anywhere you would have gone with your spouse is weird (and can be depressing to boot). You just lost someone who was a huge part of your life, so all of this weirdness is actually normal. Side note: some of the weirdness may truly fall into the “unexplained” category as well. Tons of people report getting “signs” from their departed spouse, for example. I had a number of them and every now and then will still get one. Some people may find this comforting, some may find it unsettling. I really don’t think it’s anything to be fearful of though.
• You will catch yourself thinking, “this can’t really be happening?” or similar thoughts. I think this is that whole “denial” phase of grief. This is also normal. It fades over time.
• You may have unusual dreams or even nightmares. Our subconscious minds have a way of “working” on things while we’re asleep. All of the shock, emotions, etc. can manifest in weird ways and one of those is intense dreams or nightmares. For me, the first couple months included a lot of weird dreams. Now I only have the occasional one.
• Consider doing something just for you. Start a new hobby, take a course, take a trip, learn something new, volunteer somewhere, etc. I’m not saying rush right out and do something (unless you truly feel up to it), but I feel like choosing to do something gives you a little power over grief.
• Resist the urge to keep asking yourself questions like, “what would my spouse do?”.  As sad as it is, they’re gone. You are here. Alive. You can and will make decisions on your own.
• Pause on big decisions if you can. Yes, I just said you can and will make decisions on your own, but making big decisions while dealing with all the widow to-do’s, the emotions, and the waves of grief, is not a best case scenario. If you can kick a decision down the road, do it. If you’re forced to make a big decision, seek advice from a professional in whatever area that decision involves.
• Keep going. It’s hard to fathom when you’re just starting out on this journey, but grief fades. Time heals. Perspective changes. You evolve. So keep going.

There are a couple things I can’t specifically speak on as I don’t have the experience – being widowed with kids and being widowed as a senior. But the list above is something I feel just about anyone could get something out of. I hope if you’re reading this, you’ve found it helpful and good luck on your journey.