For years I used my widow super power of having no filter, and barely smiled, laughed, nor let myself have “fun” for the first year. I did not force myself to present a certain way for the public. Over time, when my mind, soul and body were ready, I started experiencing small bits of enjoyment and fun. I remembered a widow friend telling me that when she started going out again with friends, over a year after her husband passed, it felt worse in some ways, because people would believe and tell her that she was (finally) getting better. Ugh, we all know how that feels. Thank goodness she said this to me shortly after I became widowed, because when people inevitably said that to me, I did not fall apart at their comments. I also did not feel overcome with guilt when I would get lost in having a good time – I just felt slightly devastated in dealing with my guilt.

And even as I would smile, laugh, and have great conversations, I still brought Lynn and our life into the conversation. When you have a longtime partner, it’s natural to always say “we,” or to organically mention them frequently. I did not force myself to try to change that way of talking. And then, over time… I noticed that changed too. It was probably 2ish years before I could refer to Lynn as my “late” partner. Years until I said “I” more than “we.” Years until I could go into our favorite restaurants without falling apart. And recently I noticed, I pause before I started to say something that would include mentioning Lynn, even though what I would say is relevant to the conversation. It’s usually in reference to having gone somewhere together, done something together, a topic that Lynn was knowledgeable in, or something SHE had done that was relevant to the conversation that I could share about. And in that pause, I have chosen to not share the story more often than not… weird. Am I filtering myself? Am I trying to make the other person more comfortable? Am I trying to make MYSELF more comfortable? Am I just trying to have an “efficient” conversation? If Lynn were here, does sharing the experience seem more relevant in my mind? Did it depend on WHO Iwas talking with? Whooo knows?

When this would happen, I found myself feeling conflicted. Yes I initially wanted to share the story, but I also wondered if I need to update my software and not always default to rememberings of my past life. Have I held onto my old experiences and made them so sacred to a point where, I have assumed no new memories will compare or be as special? In some ways, yes, I definitely believed this for many years. When I told my aunt, “All the worse things have can happen have already happened,” it was with a somewhat resigned fate. My favorite people have died. The rest of life is just living it. I can enjoy it knowing nothing worse can happen to me. BUT, I think in believing nothing worse can happen, I have subconsciously believed, nothing BETTER can happen. I will not experience anything as amazing as before, that would devastate me if I lost them / it. I resigned myself to having fun at times, but not experiencing deep joy like I have when Lynn and my Mom were alive.

Another part is, in having survived incredibly deep pain, and in losing my partner, my other widow super power of having a profound understanding of what is important in life has helped me “poo poo” the unnecessary stuff, and truly appreciate the actual important stuff. This is greatly why I can smile and be present in the moment. And, with widow life, there is (almost) always two contrasting emotions at play. The song by Jelly Roll, “Cry So Much” articulates this bittersweetness well: