Lately it feels as if my life is in a constant state of waiting.

Waiting until my financial situation is finally/ever/slightly better before I can afford to buy myself necessary items x,y,and z…

Waiting until the real estate market calms the hell down some so that we can maybe get one of our many offers on many houses accepted and finally have our own place that is ours…..

Waiting until we have enough money for a larger down payment on something…..

Waiting for my widow anxiety to improve, as the 10-year mark of Don’s sudden death keeps looming, just one month away…

Waiting for the day when I dont have to stress and run around so much with multiple jobs and still being broke…..

Waiting until I have a large enough sum of money, like a real estaate commission or FIVE of them, to pay down my credit card debt and get out of this endless financial hole that began when Don died and I STILL havent caught up to it since….

Waiting for the other shoe to drop…….

Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. To get that phone call again, or to walk into our apartment after not hearing back from Nick after multiple texts, and find him collapsed on the floor. To find he is not breathing suddenly in bed. To have that feeling of not knowing what to do next, or first, or ever …..

Just waiting.

Of course, these types of thoughts are not on my heart all the time. Not at all. But in coming up to that 10 year anniversary, they all seem to be at the forefront of my brain, and i dont know how to stop them . when i am in the moment and busy, its oky, but other times, during those in-between stages, it all comes flooding back, and Im just that scared girl who knows what it is to be widowed and to have her life ripped apart piece by piece for no reason, and I just keep waiting ……