Michele posted earlier on her FB page about the idea of giving ourselves grace and also giving this post-loss version of ourselves credit for all that we do. So today Im giving myself grace and forgiveness that Im hours late writing this, that Im totally exhausted, and that I dont much feel like “widow-ing” today. Yes, it is now a verb. Widowing = anything widow related, such as writing blog posts or coming up with meaningful words for others to read, or any other such wonderful but exhausting thing.
We returned from our trip to Tampa on Tuesday. We were there almost 5 days. It was awesome. Amazing. Incredible. Uplifting. Hopeful. Beautiful. Sad beyond belief. And of course, very exhausting. I developed laryngitis about midway to Tampa on the plane, and my ears started popping like crazy and I felt nauseous and lightheaded. I hate flying. I really hate flying into humidity and fog. My husband came to camp with me, and he ended up telling some jokes during my presentation while I tried to catch my breathe and down some teaspoons of honey and water. He was great. He talked about the weirdness of being married to a widow. The presentation went very well, and I got through it. Nick and I also participated in a panel together about Love After Loss. There were lots of people at this workshop that focused on 4 different couples answering the audiences questions about navigating new love. This may have been my favorite part of camp this time around. It felt amazing and meaningful to be able to take my current relationship and use it as a vehicle, WITH my partner, to help other widowed people. It was really great. I met new people, I reunited with old friends, and we stayed with some dear friends of ours for a couple days after camp ended. We had a wonderful trip, and it was so good to come back to our home together. I felt grateful to be in a place emotionally where I am happy to come home again. It took a LOT of years and a lot of grief work to get here, but Ive rebuilt a life for myself, and Im still building. Im proud of it, and I want to keep adding more pieces to the foundation. More meaning into the mix.
So tonight, Im tired. I dont have any deep messages for you or anything like that. Not today. Im sorry. I need sleep and I have to be up ridiculously early tomorrow for work. My brain just isnt functioning on high levels right now. To give you an idea, my main thought that is on an endless loop the past two hours is: “Did I already put the blanket in the dryer, or is it still in the washer? I guess I could go walk downstairs and look instead of trying to guess. Ah, whatever. Who cares. Im not moving.”
Some nights are just like that, and we have to give ourselves grace for not always being at the top of our game. Rest is important too. Hopefully next week, I will deliver a better blog for you guys, because I realize this one is pretty lame.
