Today, December 21st ushers in the first official day of the winter season in the Northern Hemisphere and Capricorn season, which is technically my season and a reminder that my birthday occurs in less than four weeks. 

This holiday season presents a “First” as it is the first Christmas I’ll spend without my mother. I have sort of muddled through this holiday season to the point that I’m not alarmed, or totally aware, that Christmas Eve is a mere four nights away. 

I know that I was fortunate to have her in my life for so many years, especially when most of my close friends lost their own mothers at a very young age, robbed of so many good memories never-to-be-made. Those friends grieve for that, but my grief is different. For me, my mother was the last of the “glue” that held together the remnants of my former immediate family. I am thankful for one remaining sibling and a large network of cousins. 

Although I’ve decorated two household trees, and purchased some holiday attire for my muttley crew, I just haven’t been able to embrace this season as I once had. It’s probably a coping mechanism that allows me to observe this time of year in a more soulful, distanced and contemplative manner.

Each day, I spend some time on sites for the widowed on venues like Facebook and Reddit. It is painful to read the poignant and heartbreaking accounts and stories of people going through the first holiday season without their loving spouse of signficant other. I’ve been there and understand how difficult it is. Even years later many still struggle with the depth of that loss. No matter how much better we are doing, even our best days can come with moments that just about knock us over. This will be my third holiday season without Rich and it still brings those moments.

This is a season for family gatherings and I’m glad for all those I’ve had the good fortune to have had in the past. Those celebrations are impossible to ever have again having lost so many family members. I can’t just hop on a plane and be part of something that no longer exists; there is a distance that can’t be bridged unless someone can launch Afterlife Airlines offering flights to beloved holidays past to sit with our loved ones again just for a short while. Now that’s a concept!

I can’t go back to those days, but what I can do is enjoy the season here in Central Florida where our cold wave today finds us in the “frigid” upper 50s after we’ve been spoiled by temperatures hovering near 80. I have my new life with a good man and three loving dogs and a new community although I’ve been down here in “Old” Florida for just a year now.

Here in this rural place, a walk down a dirt trail lined with palm trees and live oak and devoid of homes is definitely not a Currier and Ives greeting card scene. Here, I can pretend that it isn’t a holiday without missing a sprig of mistletoe. A quick ride to downtown, however, presents a beautifully lit avenue and festive residences and churches on almost every corner.

But this holiday is about Others, and although I didn’t send out cards this year, I’m grateful for the ones I recieved and will spend some time trying to personally reach out to “old” but not forgotten friends and spending quiet time with my dogs.  

It is important for one to do whatever feels comfortable. The last thing we need is more stress with days filled with false hope and expectations. A rested and authentic you will bring future days when you are able to be there for others and offer good deeds and words long after the holidays are over. 

Today may bring the longest and darkest night of the year, but tomorrow, we inch toward longer and brighter days.

The meaning of the word solstice is “sun standstill”. I would also add it can be a time when we might all take some time to standstill in a world that is constantly in motion.

Wishing everyone a Happy Soul-stice and peaceful Christmas Day later this week.