Widow's Voice

Reminders

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This past week I got 2 pieces of junk mail addressed to Mario. It doesn’t happen as often as it did, but considering he’s been gone for 4 and half years now, you’d think I would get no mail in his name. As any widowed person knows, stuff like this is a reminder of all the things: your spouse is dead, you’re a widowed person, you’ll never see them again, you’ll never talk to them or hear their voice again (barring a recording), you’ll never make them their favorite meal again, you’ll never … well, you get where I’m going with this. One seemingly small reminder can lead to an avalanche of sad reinforcements that this person is gone from existence.

I also get sales phone calls fairly frequently on my business phone line, but the one today took me off guard. I pick up and do my greeting and the guy goes, “May I speak to Mario Rosa please?”. I paused, because I really was not expecting that. So I finally get out, “Um, he died in 2021”. Took the wind right out of his “sales” sails there and all he could say was, “Oh … I’m so sorry” and he hung up.

Yesterday I was writing a check out (I hardly ever write personal checks for anything anymore) and realized I’m still going through the box of checks that has both of our names on it.

I caught up with one of our mutual friends today and we talked about all the normal stuff going on in our lives, but she did mention how much she misses Mario’s conversations and that she’ll frequently get reminders of him here and there.

So it’s been one of those weeks.

All you can do, is just carry on and realize that this is normal. Your life was once intertwined with your spouse, so many, many things about every day life (like receiving a piece of mail or a phone call) can act as triggers in your brain. Even trying to focus on remembering the good things/memories when reminders come up can be bitter sweet because then that’s a reminder of the fact there will never be a NEW memory. It’s just a real bummer how utterly final death is on this material plane.

The thing I’m pretty convinced of at this point in time is that no matter how many years go by, there will always be reminders, signs, and just times when out of nowhere you find yourself with tears streaming down your face. It sucks.

About Sherry Holub

I met my spouse, Mario, at UCLA School of Art in 1993. After graduating in 1995, I founded a small agency specializing in web and graphic design. Mario became my partner in the company in 1999. In 2002, we were married at the Costa Mesa, CA court house because neither of us wanted a big wedding ceremony (after already being together since 1995).

Mario was a highly talented artist, musician, illustrator and 3D Designer, but a tortured one. He was one of those gentle, creative souls who ended up burning twice as bright for half as long. Mario lost the battle with liver disease induced by alcoholism (almost exactly 6 months after he became sober) on 2/10/21.

I’m a long-time artist and writer with a background in photography who enjoys cooking, getting outdoors, staying young at heart, and sharing experiences to potentially help others. When it comes to writing, I’ve written both for fun and professionally over the years. Writing is also sometimes therapy for me and I don’t mind sharing my personal experiences with a wider audience.