So today is the 15 year anniversary of the day that Don Shepherd proposed to me in NYC underneath the Rockefeller Center christmas tree, or what I like to call “our tree.” Normally, on this day, all the years that I lived in NYC area, I would take a walk to that area and just sit by our tree with some hot chocolate, and reflect on that beautiful day that I said YES to beginning our lives together. This year, of course, I cant travel to NY to go and be with my tree, but also, there is another tiny little thing that makes this particular proposal anniversary slightly more emotionally charged …
Are you ready???
I’m ENGAGED!!! Yup. My boyfriend of 3.5 years, who I have lived with in our apartment since March of this year, got down on one knee at The Old Mill restaurant where we had our first date, and asked me to be his wife. Then we had a great post-engagement lunch, and went to a nearby horse farm and had a private sleigh ride to celebrate the occasion. It was amazing. Nine and a half years post-loss, who ever thought I would be getting engaged again, and on the road to marriage. I certainly could not have seen this happening even just a few short years ago. But here I am, and I am happy.
The idea that the two loves of my life, (although I really do see it as two different lives, because Im a different person after loss) both proposed to me in December, during Christmas time, less than a week apart – its strange, complicated, and emotional for me. It’s also really beautiful in many ways. Now, forever, love will shine a billion times brighter for me in the month of December. Now, forever, I will feel the depth of love I have experienced , two-fold. Now, my intense love of Christmas and New Years and the whole season, could actually grow to be even bigger heights than before!
Am I scared that Nick will die one day too, and I will have to go through this widowhood thing all over again? Am I terrified that he will die just as we are making all of our plans for the life we want together, just as Don died suddenly before we could even barely begin our life? That would be a big, fat, YES! I live with those fears daily. I do my best to squash them daily. Sometimes I succeed, and other times I dont. But I will not let them win, and I will not let them steal away my well-earned joy. Nope. Im holding on to my two loves, my two proposals, and the two lives I am always living in a parallel universe; life before loss and life after loss. May they both keep growing in an abundance of love.
