It’s a hell of a thing when a week contains both the anniversary of your spouse’s death and Valentines day.

Super Bowl Sunday I went over to my mom’s house. At some point while watching the game, she said, “It’s been exactly 6 months since your dad passed.” She was quiet for a little bit after that, and then said, “I feel like I’m living a whole different life.” I imagine after being with someone for 60 years and then they’re suddenly out of your life, it would indeed feel like you are living a totally different life. Any routines you had almost certainly included the other person, even if they weren’t actively involved with something (my mom still always did the majority of the house chores, but my dad would do things like take the trash to the dump and do the grocery shopping), they were still there.

My mom still keeps the doors to my dad’s bedroom closed. At first she said she didn’t want the cats laying on the bed in there, but later admitted with the door closed it’s almost as if he’s still there, just sleeping. That was pretty sad, but we all have our coping mechanisms.

I think Mario would be pleased with the fact that I didn’t turn his “music room” into a mausoleum. Yes, his urn of earthly remains sit on a speaker in there, but the room is completely transformed from how he had it. We both used to talk about “mausoleum rooms”–a room that belonged to a dead person and the grieving living people refuse to change it and they just become these dust-covered, very sad and literally dead places in a house–and how we never wanted to have one.

My mom hasn’t touched any of my dad’s clothes or other things (although she did throw away his collection of health supplements). I’m not sure she ever will at this point and it will just be me sifting through it all at some sad future date. Ever feel like part of your lot in life is just sifting through and then disposing of dead loved one’s things? I’ll also need to do that for Mario’s dad as I’m the executor of his will. Possibly my uncle as well (my dad was the executor so I think I’m next in line). I accept this.

Monday rolled around and that was the “D” (Death) Day for Mario. The day started with a 90 minute Zoom with a client and then I attempted to distract myself by diving into work. It was only half successful. By 6:30pm I’d done some menial house chores and started dinner. I was watching the clock on the microwave as I chopped vegetables. At 6:52pm I had my own moment of silence remembering where I was and what was happening exactly 4 years ago. It’s certainly something I will never forget. It’s the sort of thing that stays with you until your dying day. Watching someone take their last breath on this early plane is monumental. I was lightly steaming some asparagus in white wine and garlic and still had the wine bottle out, so took an honorary swig in his honor.

And all week I’ve been thinking about what my mom said about “living a different life”. A lot has changed in my life since Mario departed as well. I’d say what’s changed the most is simply that fact that I do most everything alone. Mario and I used to have long talks, which I definitely miss, but one topic that came up a number of times was what either of us would do if the other one died. We both were pretty adamant about the fact that I was his “one” and he was mine. There would never be another to take the place of him or me. Mario said he would be even more depressed and probably live in a tiny house with few possessions. I said I’d just live in our house with our cats.

Towards the later years of his life, if a discussion like this was brought up, I became much more tuned in to the reality that he would be making his departure first. He’d always said he’d “never make it to 50” and he became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Life still doesn’t feel “normal” though.

So what’s changed? I’ve reflected on that this week and kind of made my own list:

• I’ve put my health #1
• I actually go to the gym
• Changed some of the decor in the house (including redoing that music room)
• I have 2 more cats
• Bought a teardrop trailer
• I look after Mario’s dad
• I look after my mom way more than I ever did since my dad passed away
• I’ve gotten rid of or sold many things that no longer are useful to me that other people can use
• I’ve been on a quest to simplify my life as much as possible
• I’m starting to get back into old hobbies as well as picking up new interests and learning new things again (that was stagnant for some time due to Mario’s illness and all the stress surrounding that)

There’s probably some more and/or more subtle things, but those are the bigger ones I can think of off the top of my head.

So, on to Tuesday … I was out to lunch with a friend at a little Mexican restaurant where the food is always good. When we were done, I went to pay and the lady says, “It’s already paid!” Utterly confused I looked at her with what I’m sure was a total, “wait, what?” type of look. She explained the people who had just left paid for our meal too. I don’t think I’ve ever been the recipient of a “pay it forward”, although I’ve done a few myself. It brought a smile to my face that things like this still exist in the world and after the week starting out on such a sad note, it was a nice pick me up.

It’s reminded me that at my core, I am one of the “helper people”. When pushed to my limits on something, I still do have my dad’s hot Italian temper, but deep down, I just want to be kind. I want to see more kindness in the world. I want to see people helping other people. I want to be part of THAT kind of energy in the world. I do what I can, when and where I can and will continue to do so, but I’m glad there are other people out there doing it too.

Speaking of taking care of people, Thursday I woke up at 5am in order to get Mario’s dad up to an outpatient surgery appointment an hour north. I am not one of those get up before dawn people. I can do it, but man, I would not want to do that on the regular. To me, the natural order of things is getting up when the sun is coming up–when the day is literally dawning. Now granted, I rarely get up at sunrise, but I’m just saying in a perfect world, that’s how I think things ought to be haha.

Right at the city limits the rain changed to snow. That would have been fine if it had just continued to snow, but it didn’t. It turned to freezing rain. The roads throughout the city turned to sheets of ice for awhile. I was pleased to see everyone slowing way down and leaving space between vehicles. Also, when someone started sliding, everyone was patient and the slider was able to get control back and continue forward. Nevertheless, it was stressful, especially when you’re not driving your own vehicle (we took his ride for the comfort factor on the way home).

Friday will be catch up day and I might watch a movie in the evening. I hope to get back to my regular schedule over the weekend and start planning a snowboard trip for my upcoming birthday.