I basically stopped working as a lawyer soon after Lee passed away from cancer.  It has been more than five years. Now, I feel the time has come to discuss my “official” retirement with the two principals at the law firm where Eric and I landed after we voluntarily closed our own firm.

Back then, I was in an unshakeable black funk. I knew eventually it would pass, just not when. I imagine many similarly situated widowed working folks have had to cross the same bridge.  In fact, one of the principals at our law firm lost his wife to cancer about one year ago.  He took a break but has since returned to work.

However, when I lost Lee, I was considerably older than my colleague.  Lee was herself nearing retirement age, and I was several years older.

We had formulated an excellent game plan for our “golden years.”  The woman I knew was always sweet by nature and not someone prone to grudges, except once when she confided that cancer was cheating her of something she felt that she had rightly earned.

Lee’s words stuck, and when she died, it forced me to calibrate my priorities; to reexamine what was truly important in my life. I would watch as one of my best and oldest friends continued to throw himself into his work, with no clear goal except to make as much money as possible before time inevitably catches him.  And I knew this was not a model for me.

Today, however, I would admit  I have days when I miss our practice, but not for its obvious financial rewards.  I truly enjoyed the intellectual challenge, the adrenaline rush that comes when you discover evidence that “cracks” open a case, or conduct a cross-examination that exposes the lies and biases of a hostile witness, or give a closing argument to a jury as the climax of a long trial, and, naturally, the deep satisfaction of getting a favorable judgment.  Still, I do not regret my decision to step away from work when I did to pursue my other interests.

Moreover, I enjoyed an easy landing since I also managed to keep my fingers in the business until just recently, when a huge, multi-party case my partner and I brought to the firm with us finally settled.  My prospects for any such future work are at best bleak. I am not motivated to start over merely to develop new legal work.  As I say, I feel the time has now arrived to make  “official” what has been my de facto retirement, or, at the very least, semi-retirement, in these years following Lee’s death.

***

For a long time, I wondered why Robyn was still working full-time. Over time, I have come to accept that for Robyn, it is not so much about the money. I accept and respect that she is someone who still needs to work, although she is older than I am.  For her, working seems to provide one measure of self-worth.  Furthermore, I believe her when she tells me that sitting around could make her crazy.  This is something I have no desire to witness firsthand!

So, while I’m ready for us to spend more time together, I’m willing to take a backseat while she ponders what she will do to fill her void post-employment.