So Wednesday was my Wedding Anniversary – to the dead guy. Or as I like to call it: my “would have been 15 years anniversary” Anniversary. It was also my first wedding anniversary to the dead guy, where Im a married woman (to the very much alive guy.) There really is no way to describe the weirdness of this – being a remarried widow. It’s just weird. And on my wedding anniversary, my very much alive husband was very respectful of how that day might affect me. He let me know that he is around if I need him, and he also gave me my space if I needed that. When it comes to death affecting life, you really cant ask for more than that.

And how did this anniversary affect me? I was incredibly sad. And a little bit numb. And a lot “blah.” Like, just blaaaahhhhhhh. I just think that as long as I live this life, I will think how incredibly unfair it is that Don Shepherd only got 46 years of being a human. It just sucks. It sucks, and it always will, and I dont think I will ever feel differently about that aspect of it. I will always feel like he was robbed of more life, more experiences, more love, more family, more dreams realized, more music playing and Yankee game watching and tennis playing and kitty-cat petting and Gheradelli brownie eating and more of all the things he loved. I don’t feel guilty for being alive, or for living my life forward when he can’t. I just feel SAD.

This Saturday will be November 6th – his “would have been 56 years old” birthday. I like to refer to them as “Stardust Birthdays.” To me, I dont really know my beliefs about Heaven’s existence, but I know the vast universe exists and the galaxy and the atmosphere – and I like to think of him as just being part of that universe. I feel him in nature and in music most of all, and anyplace where anyone is showing kindness to another, Don is there.

Im sure the birthday will make me sad too, and I will maybe feel blah again, or not. I dont know. After all these years though, there is still that deep sorrow within me each time these milestone days roll around, especially his birthday and our anniversary. And after all this time, Im still not quite sure what to do with myself on those days.

Basically, there are just some things in life that are incredibly unfair – and Don Shepherd no longer being on this earth is absolutely one of them.