Emily is off for the holidays. Please enjoy this repost of “Midnight Kisses”.
Last week the kids and I were on our annual holiday vacation. Since Tony’s death, I have taken the kids to Disney World, Beaches Jamaica, and now Xcaret Mexico over the holiday break. There are a variety of reasons vacationing this time of year works for us. The kids are out of school, I am off work, and they don’t ask for any presents their grandparents don’t already fulfill.
New Years Eve is the other reason I like traveling over this time. However, it’s a reason I don’t talk about a lot. I have not been home on NYE since Tony died.
The first year we were at Disney and after running the parks for days on end, we all fell asleep before midnight.
Last year, I tried to get the kids to hang at the resort festivities with me. It was loud and no one wanted to hang out or dance. I hadn’t made any vacation friends at the resort yet. I was trying to make the best of being there alone, when I was ignored by the wait staff and fellow patrons cut me off in line. It was a quiet humiliation only I saw. I walked away feeling invisible without my partner. I sat alone on our terrace and cried, unbeknownst to my kids. After my release, I went inside, and we all went to bed. At midnight, I could hear a massive firework show on the beach, but I could not bring myself to get up and watch.
This year, all the action on this trip took place at adventure and ecological parks offsite. The resort itself was pretty laid back in the evenings. There was a NYE party happening near the main lobby. The kids and I walked through, but it but didn’t feel like we were missing anything by not participating. I decided to call it an evening early based on how I felt last year. Plus, we had to catch a bus at 8:30am the next morning for the Xavage adventure park.
If I stayed home over the holidays, I would be invited to the party with all our friends. The evening would be fun for me, until the clock struck midnight. Watching every single pair reach for their partner at midnight would bring my grief bubbling to the surface. It’s not really about the other couples though. It’s knowing I used to have that, and it’s now gone, that’s what hurts. The unfairness of it all.
Three New Years Eve’s later and I still don’t know how to do it alone without missing Tony intensely. I hate starting another year without a kiss from him at midnight. At least I have another year before I have to tackle this one again.
