Lee and I were married on June 12th. Does this fact mean that today is our wedding anniversary, or is it more accurate to say, had Lee survived, today would mark our wedding anniversary?
Where it involves Lee, such fine distinctions can confuse me and make me uncomfortable. On the one hand, how can today be our anniversary without Lee here to participate and share it? On the other hand, conditioning this event upon Lee’s survival seems like a sad artifice.
***
I am not alone in feeling conflicted about the correct verb usage. Jeannette Cooperman, a respected essayist and reporter has observed,
“I still occasionally slip back into present tense when speaking of someone I loved (love?) deeply. Usually […] I forget that subjunctive ‘would’ because I do not need a hypothetical; my memory is vivid.” See “Speak of the Dead in Present Tense,” by Jeannette Cooperman, appearing in The Common Reader, A Journal of the Essay (2021) (found at https://commonreader.wustl.edu/speak-of-the-dead-in-present-tense/).
Cooperman admits, however, “My slips, while comforting, are grievous errors. There are only two times when such a defiant use of the present tense is acceptable for the dead. One is when you are referring only to their corpse: My mother-in-law is buried at United Hebrew Cemetery. Souls can be grandfathered in, allowing us to hope that Hitler rots in hell.
The other permissible use of present tense is when the person made such a notable artistic or literary contribution that their legacy is still very much alive.” Id.
***
And no less authority on human nature than Shakespeare himself rightly pointed out that a person’s true worth is measured by who she is; names are mere labels:
“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”
–from Romeo and Juliet
Lee was neither a notable artist nor a distinguished writer, but she was an open, honest person to her core, empathetic, and loved by almost everybody who knew her. She touched many lives for the better, as I discovered in earnest when, as news of Lee’s approaching death spread through our community, people from all walks of her life reached out to express their profound sadness and share their remembrances. Hers is a remarkable legacy.
Furthermore, I think Cooperman might be onto something when she posits, “[t]he line between dead and alive is fainter than we admit. If we moved more easily back and forth, we might feel warmer, less alone, less afraid.” Id.
Lee remains alive in my heart and mind, and thus I choose to honor her in the present. So, today, dear wife, I celebrate our anniversary.
