I swear that in this life, my lesson is to learn all about human free will.

You’ve probably heard the term (I’ve also mentioned it in a previous post). It’s been around since the ancient Greek philosophers first talked about the notion that humans could freely decide between doing/choosing or not doing/choosing something.

Philosophers ever since have pondered the notion, and taken up “sides” to the topic. One one side, you have the Classical compatibilists who believe that free will is a thing, so long as humans aren’t externally constrained or coerced to make decisions. Then on the other side, you have the incompatibilists, who feel that the world is deterministic and that our feeling that we are actually free to choose an action is really just an illusion. It gets a lot more complicated and nuanced, but this broad overview will do for the topic of this post.

I definitely side more with the compatibilists, just from my lived experience so far on this rock. But it can be tricky to really sort through our individual decisions to determine whether or not we might be constrained or coerced to make them. For example, initially, Mario’s drinking might have been 100% his own choice, but as he got deeper into depression and alcoholism, was it really his choice any more? Was some overriding physical need of the body (the actual addiction), the one making the choices? Myself and others who cared about him attempted to make choices on his behalf, but that always went poorly. And that is the hardest lesson I’ve had to learn and relearn.

You’ve made your bed, now lie in it.

We’ve all heard this one, typically delivered in a very “I told you so” type of tone when someone else wants to make a point of what they perceive is a bad decision that we’ve made. You lie in the bed that you make. It’s a stark reminder of consequences. Not all of our decisions are mindfully considered.

I will never forget the look on Mario’s face when reality broke through a decade’s long alcoholic haze… when it was abundantly clear that he’d past a point of no return and he had effectively succeeded in a very long and drawn out suicide. He was dying. The realization that he did this… that everyone who had ever said he needed to stop drinking, was right and he was wrong… was an incredibly powerful moment in time and the weight of all of it was etched into his expression.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.

Here’s another one we’ve all heard that beautifully illustrates the dynamic of free will. You may indeed know what’s best for someone else, but you can’t force your will on them and have it work out perfectly. You can try, but people in general don’t respond very well to being told what to do in the best of times. You can guide, make suggestions, all of that, but at the end of the day, that person will make a choice and it may not be the one you hoped they’d make.

I’m currently relearning this lesson one more time with my 84 year old mom. She’s got so many health issues going on at this point it’s really too much to get into, but suffice to say, she absolutely should be seeking medical treatment. Her decision? To ignore everything and refuse to seek medical treatment. It turns out, I’m not alone in this boat. There’s a whole community on reddit, for example, who are adrift on a sea of taking care of elderly parents who refuse care. And we’re all sitting around wondering how and why they got this way and why they’re making these incredibly poor choices. Some do have cognitive issues (covered that territory myself with my dad), but others simply reach levels of stubbornness that would make the very worst mule seem like an incredibly accommodating animal. That’s basically where my mom is at. And pretty much all I can do is just observe, keep suggesting, and step in when it’s obvious help is necessary.

In my mind though, I’m drawing similarities to Mario and even to my dad in a way. My dad especially took me by surprise because I had always thought of him as a fighter, but in the last year of his life, it was like he completely gave up and acquiesced to his fate. Mario knew there was nothing that could be done to regain his health, so he also acquiesced to his fate. It seems my mom is doing the same thing and no matter what I try or say, I can not stop the inevitable ending. So once again, the only thing I can do is simply be there for the person going through it.

But I still have MY free will and the choices I make in regards to my own health and wellbeing are very different from my loved ones.