I have always been someone who fears change. I think a lot of people do. I also think it takes a long time to really understand that if nothing ever changed, that means that everything would stay the same forever. And if you really understand that, you would not want that, because nothing ever changing would mean no personal growth, no improvement of any kind, no new friendships, no new humans to meet, no raise in your financial situation, no new experiences or love or even new emotions – just more of the same, until the end of time.

How depressing.

I think the reason most of us fear change, is because so many changes in life happen without our permission, or before we are ready, or they are changes we don’t want at all (like the death of our person.) And when our person died, that feeling of invasiveness over our life and life as we knew it – is so strong and so palpable, that it’s almost impossible to see through or beyond it. It’s hard to see change as anything but something cruel, and something to be fearful of.

Over the years though, I have found that as my life and grief start to shift, and then shift again; the things that I now fear are different. Although I still fear change, these days, I feel more open to it, and more accepting of it; especially when I know I have some time to adjust and to figure out a basic plan of action. But these days, there are other things that I fear more than I fear change.

I fear losing more people that I love. I fear illness, and aging, and the feeling that time is running out. I fear watching my dad very slowly slipping away from himself, and witnessing the pieces of him fall off as they disappear into thin air. I fear my mom becoming overwhelmed, or getting sick herself due to all the caretaker stress, and her own older age. I fear never having enough money to stop constantly being worried about money. I fear what old age will be like for myself. No children to help care for me, not enough money to properly care for myself in a nice environment, nobody to sit beside me as I transform into an old lady. I fear the years falling away, and never getting to know my niece and nephew and even my own brother, in the way that Id like to know them; to really know them and be close.

These days, change is still something I sometimes do not welcome, depending on the situation. But it’s no longer something that I deeply fear, because I know that the opposite of change would be the exact same, for all eternity. And that sounds absolutely horrifying to me.

These are my deep thoughts on a Sunday, before I’ve even had my coffee.

My brain hurts. Thanks for reading.