Widow's Voice

Drifting Gloomily Through Time

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a black and white photo of a boat adrift off shore with atmospheric lighting a fog

I’ve had yet another difficult week (2024’s theme really does seem to be “personally difficult things”). My mom has what we think is a sciatica flair up. While she claims she’s not like my dad in being stubborn, she very much IS. She refused to actually go to the doctor about it, putting me in a difficult spot of spending the entire week worrying about her, checking in on her multiple times, spending a lot of hours with her and attending to her needs. I was just feeling like I was getting back on track with my own schedule after dealing with recovering from the pinched nerve. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind helping her, but I hate to feel helpless and I did not like the fact that she refused to consult a medical professional. And of course, I didn’t really get many things done that I needed to this week.

So here I am typing late at night once again and while sitting here thinking about what I was going to write about this week, I threw on some music on random. One of the first things that came up was one of the songs that just does me in. Certain songs just hold special meaning. I’m sure almost anyone can relate.

The day after Mario died, I honestly didn’t know what to do. I was definitely overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t want to face that he was gone, but he’d always said he didn’t want me wallowing and feeling bad if something happened to him. Easier said than done. He was gone and I was left alone. I had decided to just jump right in and start cleaning out his side of the closet. I didn’t want to be confronted with all of his things day after day if he wasn’t here. Dead guys don’t need clothes and shoes and stuff. I could just see him telling me, “just get rid of all that stuff, I don’t need it now”.

I saw his old iPod sitting on the counter–the same one that kept dying as he was and didn’t want to play (I had brought it to the hospital). Something was telling me to pick it up and put it on random. The closet clean out needed a soundtrack. I took it into the bedroom and set it on the stereo that had the plug for it. I set it to random. In a few seconds, a track started playing …

The Sun Always Shines On TV – A-ha

Hold me
Touch me
I reached inside myself and found
Nothing there to ease the pressure
Of my ever-worrying mind, oh-oh
All my power’s waste away
I fear the crazed and lonely looks
The mirror’s sending me these days, oh-oh
Touch me, how can it be?
Believe me, the sun always shines on TV
Hold me close to your heart
Touch me and give all your love to me
To me
I reached inside myself and found
Nothing there to ease the pressure
Of my ever-worrying mind, oh-oh
All my power’s waste away
I fear the crazed and lonely looks
The mirror’s sending me these days, oh-oh
Touch me, how can it be?
Believe me, the sun always shines on TV
Hold me close to your heart
Touch me and give all your love to me
Please don’t ask me to defend
The shameful lowlands of the way
I’m drifting gloomily through time, oh-oh (touch me)
I reached inside myself today (give all your love)
Thinking there’s got to be some way
To keep my troubles distant
Touch me, how can it be?
Believe me, the sun always shines on TV
Hold me close to your heart
Touch me and give all your love to me
Hold me close to your heart
Touch me, give all your love to me

And then the tears came. Of all songs, that one came on and just hit home so hard, like a message from beyond. I sat in the middle of the walk-in closet, in a pile of Mario’s clothes and just cried until I didn’t have it in me to cry any more.

About Sherry Holub

I met my spouse, Mario, at UCLA School of Art in 1993. After graduating in 1995, I founded a small agency specializing in web and graphic design. Mario became my partner in the company in 1999. In 2002, we were married at the Costa Mesa, CA court house because neither of us wanted a big wedding ceremony (after already being together since 1995).

Mario was a highly talented artist, musician, illustrator and 3D Designer, but a tortured one. He was one of those gentle, creative souls who ended up burning twice as bright for half as long. Mario lost the battle with liver disease induced by alcoholism (almost exactly 6 months after he became sober) on 2/10/21.

I’m a long-time artist and writer with a background in photography who enjoys cooking, getting outdoors, staying young at heart, and sharing experiences to potentially help others. When it comes to writing, I’ve written both for fun and professionally over the years. Writing is also sometimes therapy for me and I don’t mind sharing my personal experiences with a wider audience.