Lynn and I fell in love while kayaking and hiking. Our first outings together as “just friends” included me taking her on my favorite trails, and Lynn taking me out kayaking for the first time. For 10 years, we would go out to the river or the lake several times a month. She had a long, bright yellow, single, hard top kayak. And, when we got together, we saved up all our REI gift cards, and bought a double, inflatable, cool orange kayak that we took everywhere. Lynn loved water more than land, and on her family’s annual trips in Florida, we swam with dolphins, went snorkeling. On our last vacation together, we paddle boarded the Key West mangroves and paddled past Jimmy Buffett’s old estate. My family took her to the Philippines, and we brought home tons of seashells, went to waterfalls, etc. Kayaking on the water always reminds me of her love for water. The first year after she passed, I would very reverently take our double kayak to the lake, take pride in seeing how fast I could inflate it by myself, and I would simultaneously miss her more and feel closer to her as I would bird watch and float around. I quickly remembered – I rarely paddled when we kayaked! LYNN was always in front doing the paddling, while I chilled in the back, my legs stretched over the soft sides of the kayak, taking photos and videos, eating snacks, etc. No wonder I loved kayaking, lol! I am a born and raised Northern Californian, and many of my favorite childhood memories involve canoeing the Russian River with friends, tipping each other over, and eating soggy sandwiches. (These are also some of my favorite adult memories, lol.) Thus, I always considered myself a person who enjoys paddling on the water!
As I am Spring Cleaning, I am wondering, do I have “too many” boats? Over the years, in addition to Lynn’s single hard kayak and our double inflatable kayak, I have acquired two more hard kayaks, a single inflatable kayak, and an inflatable paddle board. I have collected life vests for those who want to join me, as well as shoes and outfits appropriate for cold and warm water paddling. And yet – I rarely make it out on the water now! And if I do, I usually bring my inflatable paddle board or inflatable kayak. Or I am joining friends, and someone brought a boat all ready for me. Also, I will admit to myself – I do NOT love the water. My favorite body of water is a hot tub… with a cocktail nearby. I love going to the lake at a nearby park, and I run around it almost daily. However, I don’t love open water or rivers enough to logically keep all these boats in my stable. I used to enjoy having them so I could bring family or friend(s) to float on the lake if they want. I used to enjoy getting everything ready so they could enjoy themselves. But now, as I am spring cleaning, and in a place where I feel more comfortable moving along items that I really do not need, I realize, I hold onto to these boats because I hold onto a lifestyle and a life that I shared with Lynn. It is wonderful, inspiring, and intimate to enjoy the hobbies and activities your partner introduces you to! And it’s even better when you end up really enjoying and making beautiful memories with them! Which I absolutely did, in regards to kayaking. But now? In my super packed life, I enjoy doing a million other things that are not kayak related. And instead of looking at these kayaks fondly with nostalgia remembering Lynn and my adventures, I frown at them, and I scold myself asking 1) why haven’t I gone out to use them, instead of letting them sit around, and 2) why do I have so many when I have no desire to load them up and get them on the water? Sigh… there’s no grief instructional manual, and there is definitely no timeline around grief (thank goodness).
I DO enjoy looking at Lynn’s bright, cheerful kayak. And, while it is too large for me to be able to transport it (nor do I have a desire to do so), I do still want to keep it. I am considering ways to use it to brighten my backyard, maybe use it as a temporary plant holder. (Blasphemous, whatev.) I still enjoy out double inflatable and the inflatable paddle board for the summer after work outings, and they are easy enough to transport and manage. But, these are just logistics… the bigger impact is – shifting from “I am a kayaker” to “I used to be a kayaker, because my late partner and I were.” It is a mental shift I am allowing in for consideration. And, it I am working on believing, this is not a loss. This is not a sad change. This is just a movement forward for me, and maybe for us. All relationships – in real life or long distance in spirit, evolve and move forward. This is just another step forward in my journey.
(Fun fact: Spring Cleaning can trigger bouts of uncertainty and reflection over getting rid of items that hold memories!)
