In the past decade of years that I’ve “put in” as a widowed person, one thing I have noticed time and again is the endless debate about seeing “signs” from our loved ones who have died. There are so many theories about this, and so many opinions, and those in the widowed community that I have encountered seem to be rather passionate about their particular take on this topic.

For the most part, those who are religious seem to believe in signs, because to them, those signs are coming from Heaven and/or God. They may hear a song at just the right time, or see a dime in an unusual place, and they might say: “it’s a sign from Heaven that he is always with me”, or some other thing that is comforting to them. Some non-religious people, such as myself, also believe in signs, even if it is reluctantly at times. To some of us who are not people of faith, we see signs not as coming from Heaven / God, but as the dead person’s energy or soul. Energy cannot be destroyed, we are all made up of energy – when we die, our bodies/the shell we are in, stops functioning. But the soul or energy of a person, remains. And where does it go? Does it transform into something else, some other living thing? Is it just invisible particles that make up the sky and the ocean and the universe, or something else? What happens to that energy is up for debate, hard to prove one way or another, and not black or white.

Many people, both religious and non-religious, do not believe in signs at all. For the non-religious, many feel that once we die, that is it. There is nothing that happens after. No afterlife, no Heaven, no rainbow, no reuniting with one another, just nothing. They believe that the person who died is just gone, and thats pretty much the end of it. There are also some religious people who do not believe in signs because they think that anyone who claims they can communicate with the dead is a liar/hoax/scammer, because only God can communicate with them once they have crossed over into Heaven. As you can see, the beliefs are all over the place on this topic, and this is just the very tip of the iceberg. When it comes to the death of your person, its easy to get overly-passionate about your opinion.

So here’s the thing. I’m not here to convince you one way or the other about signs, or anything else. I honestly don’t care if you think I’m bat-shit crazy for thinking that maybe Don is saying hello or his energy is nearby when I see a Penske truck EXACTLY when I need to, or when the song he despised: “Living on a Prayer” comes on the radio EXACTLY when I’m totally stressed out and need to laugh, or when I can FEEL his presence near me in a visceral and un-explainable way; and he is there , somehow, helping me through a moment or celebrating something awesome with me. If you don’t believe that is true, that is fine and well and good.

Here is where you lose me. If you are out and about somewhere in public, or even online somewhere, and someone you encounter makes a comment about seeing a cardinal yesterday and how it gave them peace because they felt their person who died had sent it to them, and you feel the need to say to that person something along the lines of: “There’s no such thing as signs, you’re crazy”, or “that’s just magical thinking”, or “the bird was there because that’s where birds live – don’t be stupid” – what is your intention with those comments? What are you hoping will happen? Because all that HAS happened is that the person who saw the cardinal, experienced something that brought her peace and comfort. She or he felt, for just a couple of minutes in their grief-heavy existence, a connection to their person or a sliver of hope that maybe something about that person still exists. For a minute or two, or maybe longer, that person was able to step out of their horrific pain and hurt, and see or feel something that resembled a ray of light for them. The only thing you accomplished with your response to what they saw/felt/heard, was making them feel like absolute crap about it, and taking away their comfort / peace. If “being right” is that important to you, I find that incredibly sad. Because in the end, nobody is right. None of this can be proven. You cant remove someone’s experience. All you are doing is making them feel worse.

There is a beautiful scene in the Ricky Gervais Netflix series “Afterlife”, where the main character; who is a depressed, struggling widower and atheist; encounters a little girl with terminal cancer inside a cancer hospital. (if you haven’t seen the series, Im not really giving anything away here, so no “spoiler alert” message is really necessary) They begin talking, and he makes her laugh. Then she asks him if he will come back to the hospital to visit her, because he is funny and she wants to laugh more. He says that he will come back, and he will see her then. She then says something like: “Yes, Ill see you then, or when Im in Heaven. Do you believe in Heaven?” He pauses, and tears well up in his eyes before he finally responds with: “Definitely.” She smiles a huge smile, and they both continue on with their day.

His character does not believe in Heaven. He does not believe in God. He is an atheist. But in that moment, the most important thing was that SHE had HER feeling and belief validated – because she is dying. So when she does die, in those moments right before, she will not be scared. She believes that she is going to Heaven, and this helps comfort her. The most important thing to the widower character in that moment, was that he not take that comfort away from her. It is literally ALL that she has. It’s an absolutely beautiful scene, and a beautiful message. THAT is how we should treat each other. Why on earth is that so difficult?

There are many times in life when you have an exchange or dialogue with someone, and that moment you are having with them is not about you. It’s about them. That moment was about that little girl, 100%, and nothing else. When you find yourself in those moments, whether you are Christian or Catholic or atheist or agnostic or whatever else, please take a minute to recognize that this is one of those times when its not about you. Its not about taking away someones hope or peace or comfort. Are signs real? Maybe. Maybe not. Who cares? Seriously, who gives a shit? If that sign is bringing someone a tiny bit of peace or hope or connection to the person they lost to death, let them have that and let that be enough.

Sometimes the very best thing you can give someone , is silence. And maybe a hug.