Had she not died, Lee would be turning seventy-two this coming Monday, and I would have celebratory plans already in place to mark another happy chapter. Instead, I am left to ponder what life might have been like had she lived.
Frankly, it’s confusing to consider possible outcomes. Had Lee survived, Robyn and I likely would never have met nor, certainly, have fallen in love. I probably would not be enjoying the daily companionship of Lola, my good and faithful pup. And who knows? I might even still be practicing law, at least on a part-time basis.
***
Of course, playing a game of “what if” is a hollow exercise, which, fortunately, I mostly avoid day to day. But avoiding this game completely is simply not humanly possible. For example, I still recall feeling guilty about loving Robyn, as if it were cheating on Lee.
As I say, I do not often experience such internal strife. Further, I’m not surprised that when I do, this occurs around signature events, like birthdays and anniversaries. Much harder to explain is sudden, unexpected tumult. Regardless of whether these episodes are being triggered by a memory, an image, or a sound, this is when I feel the full impact of the sad reality that Lee can never come home.
So, I rely on memory and images.
