So i cant make it to Camp Widow Toronto this year, for various money reasons and life reasons. For the first time since I started doing my presentation at the Camp Widow events, I will not be there to participate or to present this time. Nick and I will be in Tampa for Camp Widow in March, so Im looking forward to that. Anyway, this weekend, we are staying with my parents at their new Cape Cod home, which is a lovely condo at an equally lovely over 55 condo community called Heatherwood. Its a really good place, complete with an on-site restaurant, tennis courts, golf course, swimming pools, and lots of entertainment and activities offered. We are here to visit them during this 3-day holiday weekend, but also because my mom got me a gig here. Yesterday, I did a book-signing Event here. My book: “My Husband Is Not a Rainbow”, is kind of perfect for this setting, since a lot of the people who live here are much older and widowed. As people started to come into the room for the event yesterday, I chuckled as I thought to myself how similar it felt to being at Camp Widow and doing my presentation there. It was a smaller audience (about 50 people), and the average age of yesterdays audience was much older than at Camp (70’s and 80’s is average here) – but the feeling and the vibe were very similar, and I chose to read two humorous sections from my book; the story about what the title of the book means, talking with AT&T about trying to switch my phone plan, and the story about having “Widow Brain.” I told my story, did the readings while sort of acting them out at the same time, and then did a Question and Answer section, and then signed and sold some books.
THere was a lot of laughter in the crowd during my stories. They were a wonderful audience. Because they were a mixed audience and I didnt know which of them might be widowed , it was a different experience for me. When I told my story about losing Don at age 39, there were a lot of audible gasps in the crowd and even some tears. It made me remember how “not normal” or unusual it is to have your husband die just four years after you get married, and at such a young age. I live in the widowed world now, and a lot of my friends are widowed, and young-ish. Sometimes I forget how my cavalier delivery of my story might sound to those on the outside. I have been through a lot.
When it came time for Q&A, someone asked about my new husband Nick. They asked: “Is it really hard for your husband to listen to you always talking about Don and still loving him and all that?” Nick didnt miss a beat. He shouted from his seat: “YES!”. Everyone laughed, and then I gave him the microphone and he expanded on his answer. It was really great what he said. He talked about how i love him (Nick) so fiercely, because I know that it could all go away in a second, and how he knows that I will love him forever and longer when HE dies, because of the way that I love and honor Don. He talked about each persons love story being unique and how much I live for today and live each day at 100%, and all the many ways I show my love to him. He also said “Don is dead. Its not a competition. He aint comin’ back, so Im not threatened by their love. Its part of our story, and I feel lucky that Don loved Kelley the way he did, because it helped shape the woman that I love today.” The audience fell in love with him, and it was a really great thing for them to see.
Another woman asked me how long it took me to “get over” my loss and to not just be sad everyday and miss him?” I told her that I was going to be brutally honest in my answer, because that is who I am, and then I told her that Im still not over it, because there is no such thing. WE move with and move through our losses, we dont get over them. I also told her that I still miss Don everyday, and always will, but that I feel him with me in a deep and beautiful way and because of that, the missing of him no longer hurts so much like it used to. I spoke about the importance of finding your tribe, community, and being part of something. “Thats why this place is so great”, I said. “You all have this amazing built-in community right here. You all have each other. It makes me feel so good knowing that my parents are living here, where they have already made so many new friends and are starting to feel at home. Just being able to walk down the halls here and have a cup of coffee with someone if you feel like it, its a great thing.”
It felt really good to be younger than most of the people in that room, and yet I was teaching them some things about grief. I was helping them to know its okay and healthy and healing to talk about the people we lose to death – to tell their stories, to share their love forward. To honor them by living your own life in a meaningful way. That you dont have to let go of them, ever, and that you can carry them with you into your life forward, in whatever way feels good to you.
It wasnt Camp Widow, but it was nice and it was meaningful and it was hopeful.
Anytime I can bring some of that to other people and leave them in a good space,
that is a very good day.