I was chatting with a newer friend recently, and we were comparing how we were in high school. I made a comment like, “I wonder if we would have hated each other / not gotten along in high school!” This made me think, would Lynn like me now? What would it be like if we met now? Then it made me think, how much I have changed in the past almost – 11 years. There is of course the deepest most intense change of my perspective of life, my relationship with everything, and how I move in the world that has fundamentally and permanently changed. NOT counting those things, there are a million other ways I have evolved into who I am now. It made me smile at how Lynn is shaking her head in amusement at things I do now that we never would have predicted I would do before she passed.
What if We Met Today?
I took a moment to think of a few off the top of my head, and they may seem small and silly, but they really represent ways I evolved from a place of losing my partner. And I so wonder what it would be life if I met Lynn in the version I am today…
For example:
1) I COOK! This is the one I always think of first, and am perhaps the most relieved about and proud of. Lynn always grocery shopped and cooked for us. I made do for a few years with making enough to keep myself alive, lol. BUT I was lucky to have my Filipino parents live 8 blocks from me, who always had food for me. I never thought I would cook, but eventually, around year 3, I started to dabble a bit, and ended up really enjoying it!
2) I PLAN! For vacations, outings, activities, weekends, etc, I am the one more apt to research places / scheduled and make the plans. Lynn was always the organizer and planner. For vacations, she had sticky notes with various activities and would fit them on the calendar to see how we would sequence our trip – and I would of course make fun of her fot this. I definitely remember and use some of the tactics I remember seeing her use when I make plans. I think she is yelling, “See?! I told you sticky notes were a good idea and you laughed at me!” Sorry, you were totally right! lol
3) MY HAIR! I had longish hair that Lynn would cut for me, during the entire 10 earthly years together. During year 2 and 3 after her passing, my hair started getting shorter and shorter, until it is a length that I feel reflects who I am. I always say, it took my 40 years to cut my hair the way I wanted. I do wonder if Lynn and I met now, what would our first impressions be of each other? We met at work, so we already had some info on each other and an obvious shared passion for social services. But, what if we randomly met and our first impression was just appearance? Hmmm, weird and interesting to think about.
Another thought is, what would the version of me now think of Lynn if we met today?! I would still know and feel how super awesome she is! Sigh… just random widow thoughts.
