And once again, we are sooo close to another New Year. And, Lynn’s Angelversary (Death Anniversary) is December 3. So for these two reasons, the month of December feels like a big ol’ transitional, reflective, “purgatory” type of mini-chapter. Last year in December, I also helped sell my childhood / my parent’s home, which they had for 50 years, and is 8 blocks away fro the home Lynn and I bought 13 years ago. Then, my Dad moved out of the area permanently! (My Mom passed away 2.5 years ago.) Talk about the transitions of transitions!
This is my first New Year as a 50 year old, which feels like a significant thing. I feel 50 is a big point of transition, like a crossroads to significant pivot. More than ever before, I am reflecting on what to leave behind, and what to make room for. Organically, I feel I am allowing my sense of obligation to preserve Lynn and my Mom’s lives / legacy a “smaller” – though maybe even more special – place in myself and my heart. As I do this, I feel my identity is becoming more “me” – both present and future “me.”
Minimizing includes getting rid of physical STUFF – something I have long struggled with. I WILL mercilessly and objectively look at not just my things, but (finally) Lynn’s and my Mom’s things that are sentimental to me, but actually weigh me down as I keep / store / display them. I KNOW they are fine with me not keeping things, and also fine with me keeping things that make me happy with not only the memories it may signify to me, but also the actual function it has in my life (whether it be aesthetics that truly aligns with my life now, or is something i actually USE (ahem, Lynn’s plethora of cooking gadgets, cough). In doing this, I will also create my home for ME, something I have not authentically done since Lynn passed 11 years ago.
Minimizing my “sense of obligation” also includes what volunteer / nonprofit activities I choose to participate in. The majority of my time outside of work includes community volunteerism, including participation on Boards of Directors. After Lynn passed, I joined the Board that she had been, which has served HIV / AIDS clients for 30+ years in our town. It was wonderful to be part of the organization in this way, because the people and the work had been big part of my world as Lynn’s partner. I was afraid of losing that precious part of my life after she passed, and I am so grateful I did not have to give them up – our relationship just “shifted.” A few years ago, as I became overwhelmed with my community work, I chose to resign from that Board, and not the two other Boards I was on. This decision was made for various reasons, one being that this was LYNN’S passion and focus of work, not mine. It was bittersweet but ultimately liberating to feel I did not have to continue her legacy by being part of that organization. This year, I WILL explore which of my volunteer activities align and “fit into” my life, and recognize which which activities I continue to do because, at one point in my life they, it aligned, but maybe no longer does.
Soo many other things to consider letting go of to make room for what is needed and wanted in my present and future life… including feelings, relationships, expenses, etc. Something to consider and share for another day.
BUT – I feel ready… I feel like it is an exhausting and intentional act of “updating my software” – just need to make sure the laptop stays plugged in and does not overheat in the process…
