I came across these amazing and beautiful images online that showed human ashes under a microscope – gorgeous, colorful, and people compared the images to the galaxy, as they look very similar to the Milky Way. (I later read, “The stunning resemblance to deep-space photos from the Hubble Telescope comes from artistic framing, high-magnification focus, and specialized filters rather than a raw, unedited view of human ash.” Sigh…)

One of the deepest honors I have had in my life was being the one to “push the button” of the cremator that cremated the body that housed Lynn during her adventure here on the planet Earth.  The images reminded me of the various conversations I have had over the years with widows about their partners’ ashes. One widow and I were talking about pushing the button, and she commented that she asked the funeral home to stop the cremator a little before it was supposed to stop, because she wanted the bone fragments in the ashes to be a little “larger.” I responded, “Oh wow – you can do that?! I wish I had done that!” We went on for a bit about how our partners’ ashes looked, what we had done with them, etc. I then looked around and realized folks around us were rather… surprised by our conversation. For me, numerous conversations similar to these are suuuuper normal and, honestly, a refreshing breath of fresh air to have with other widows. My widow friends and I often refer to these not-suitable-for-polite-conversations types of topics as “Widow Shit.” Sometimes when I clear the numerous tabs of my iPhone searches, I chuckle at the random searches I made.

“Weird to Others But Normal to Widows” Aspects of Life:

Looking up synonyms for “Posthumous” because I use the word often

Easily talking about both my late partner and partner (who is alive) in the same story

Referring to my late partner as “my dead wife” “my dead person” or just “my partner”

Forgetting I still have an open bank account with both Lynn and my name

Keeping the water bill in Lynn’s name for 10+ years

Receiving Jury Duty Summons (and other types of mail that can bring you to your knees) addressed to Lynn

Receiving an invitation in the mail from the crematory / funeral home for something

Receiving invitations addressed to both of us from non-profits / organizations we used to support

Freaking out when their scent fades away from a piece of clothing, despite keeping it in a plastic bag

Talking to my in-laws about my new relationship

Saying their late partner’s name frequently and naturally when talking with widow friends, and feeling like we knew / met each other’s late partners despite not meeting one another until we were widowed

Being asked by friends / family “how is Lynn doing?” for awhile after she passed, because they knew I still talked to her posthumously

Still thinking of “my” home as “our” home (we lived in it together for almost 3 years, and it has been almost 12 years since she has passed)

Legit still having moments of forgetting she passed and wanting to tell her something in person

Asking myself if I actually like certain things (blue cheese dressing? kayaking?) because specific things were always part of / not part of my life, because Lynn liked them / didn’t like them

Feeling guilty that being with Lynn taught me how to be a better partner to people I dated after she passed

Continuing to realize all the things Lynn did for me that I took for granted

Meeting someone for the first time who tells me they knew Lynn (this just happened a couple weeks ago)

Going to Home Depot to buy a Dishwasher, giving them my address, and asking if I am Lynn, because she opened an account there under our address years ago

Giving my phone number at our local Pet Feed Store, and they always ask if I am Lynn or Grace

Writing for a Widow Blog, 11+ years after Lynn passed

Aaaaand these are just a few things, the “Normal to Widows” list is endless, and new weird things always come up… (when I finally changed the water bill to Lynn’s name, there was a last payment in her name to close the account that I missed. And “she” was just sent a Late Payment notice… sigh.)