This past weekend, I flew to Los Angeles for a short 10 hours to attend my cousin’s funeral. She was 54 years old, and passed away after becoming ill in late December. At the funeral and reception, I had the chance to reconnect with tons of family members I rarely see. Many talked to me about missing my Mom, who passed away 2 years ago, and how I looked more and more like her. On the way back to the airport, I was fortunate to have time to have a quick dinner with a close widow friend and her partner. We had met a Camp Widow four (?) years ago, and are part of a tight-knit LGBTQI+ widow group.
The day was full of mixed emotions – sadness and tears, connection and laughter, and it was incredibly fulfilling. I thought of how my day and my conversations had frequently been about our loved ones dying too early, the shock of their unexpected deaths, the pain of those “left behind,” etc. It was also greatly about remembering the lives of those who had passed, of their personalities and legacies, and the continued relationships with them after they have passed away.
I realized I have become very comfortable with talking about death and grief, as well as talking about life after death – both for the living and those who have died. I love being able to talk openly and authentically about life and death, and especially, all the meaningful parts of life between the two. I was only able to have short conversations with people at the funeral and reception, and even at dinner, but as a result, each of those conversations were immediately about the most important things happening in our lives right now, and were incredibly meaningful. There was no “small talk.” When the question was, “How are you doing? How is your dad?” The unspoken add-on behind the question was, “now that he is older and since your Mom has passed?” My 90 minute dinner conversation with my fellow widow and her partner felt more like five hours, because we immediately talked about the important issues happening in our lives, and poked around in our deep feelings and analyzed each and every feel and even the tangential feelings!
One of the superpowers I believe widows can have, is the desire and ability to talk about the “important” things with ease and passion. Also (and I know this can get us into trouble) our honesty regarding our thoughts, and the lack of filter to sugarcoat our comments. However, I feel like often, this leads to authentic and meaningful conversations.
