I collect quotes, and some of them ending up aligning with one another in a way that drives the point stronger. Here are a few gems lately:
“You already know what to do, you’re just negotiating with comfort.”
“Your commitment to the future needs to be stronger than your attachment to the past.”
“The world changes with new rules – you have to change with it.” (a lesson from “Alice in Wonderland”)
Oof, individually these quotes gave me a little nudge in the shoulder. But, collectively, it was like a friendly punch in the gut – kind of like a message from the Universe saying “pay attention to this message now.” (Okay, I know it’s really just that my algorithm is inviting these related quotes into my internet feed…)
As I have been digesting these quotes over the past few weeks, while simultaneously navigating the mixed feelings around retirement, constantly evolving identities that I have loved but life changes for me (partner, daughter, social worker, etc), another realization came to me…
But first! I have always been so grateful and relieved that my higher power, my community, divine intervention, my inner strength and a bunch of other things, helped me get through the early years of my widowhood. Immediately after Lynn passed, my world and existence changed. And, we all know some of the common ways this transformation changed us, our perspective, and our lifestyle. For me, the very top ways it changed me was:
1) I had no / little filter – both incoming and outgoing. I was more “honest” with how I felt, I had no time for BS. I also recognized what was vastly important to me in life (time with friends / family, being authentic to myself first and foremost, understanding how short life can be).
2) I learned the need to “do it scared.” I could not wait to “feel better” to do some hard things. I learned that there might not BE a time where I “feel better,” but if I did not want to miss out in life, I needed to just “do it scared.”
3) Alternatively, while I learned to gently push myself, I learned to be incredibly patient with myself. If I physically and emotionally did not feel up for something, I was honest about it and did not apologize for where I was at in my journey.
4) Similarly, I learned how to treat myself with as much care and compassion as I could. I gave myself allowances when I needed them. I went for massages when I wanted to. I stayed up late or I went to bed early when I wanted to. I ate “comfort food” whenever I wanted to. Aaaaand a whole lot of other healthy / unhealthy(?) things.
I am 11.5 years down my grief journey. I have been so proud of my journey, both in becoming someone who survived and thrived in this journey. Someone who understands and is grateful for the people who helped me, the tools I gained, the many accomplishments and experiences I have under my belt as a direct result of being on this grief journey. And, I feel myself at the end of a chapter, which means I am at the beginning of another chapter. Which is why the above three quotes have been knocking around my brain… ugh, being in between chapters always feels bittersweet. It’s like shedding a skin that protected me.
I look at the top ways I mentioned that helped me travel this journey… and I am reflecting on how do they serve me now? Do they need to change and evolve as well? I am thinking yes, even though I do not know exactly what that will look like. And then – I came across a quote that bottom lined allll these ponderings:
“Learning to let go of the person I had to become to survive, in order to move forward.” (That’s not the real quote, I am paraphrasing.)
Yikes! Ouch! But I am eternally grateful for that person and those traits I had to learn!!! I could not put into words (yet) all that this thought means to me, so I googled it for help. Google says:
Letting go of a survival identity—the armor, hypervigilance, or hard edge you needed during painful times—is a brave step toward living a full life now.
Why It Is Hard
- The armor worked: That version of you kept you safe when things were unsafe. Your brain still sees that old self as a protector.
- The unknown is scary: Stepping away from who you had to be means stepping into who you are allowed to be, which can feel unfamiliar and exposed.
- Grief is required: You have to mourn the fact that you ever had to be that tough or guarded in the first place.
How to Begin Letting Go
- Thank your past self: Acknowledge that the person you became did an important job. Instead of judging them, offer gratitude for keeping you alive.
- Notice the triggers: Pay attention to when your survival mode turns on today (like shutting down, pleasing others, or controlling situations) when there is no actual danger.
- Practice small softness: You do not have to drop all your armor at once. Pick tiny, safe moments to react with ease instead of defense.
- Redefine safety: Remind yourself that survival was for the past; safety is for the present
I like these “tips,” and want to take the time and be intentional in working through them. While it is a bit shocking to think of shifting the ways that kept me safe and strong, I feel a tiny bit of relief in wondering what that could look like… A less intense life? More confidence that life might not be so short? A little faith that it’s okay to plan a future a bit further down the road than I have felt safe to?
Hmmm, damn internet algorithm… lol. Another new journey, here we go again!
