I think this topic hits everyone who finds themselves in the widow club a little differently. I would imagine, widowed folks who have kids at home prioritize their kids and that probably acts as a delayed buffer for emotions related to suddenly being spouse-less. Many of the widows in my in-person group were married for decades with children who have long since gone out on their own, leaving them truly alone in the homes they once shared with their spouses. But no matter your age or circumstance, being alone is something you have to face at one point or another in your journey.
Like I say, everyone’s situation is a unique though. A ton of variables come into play, including how you might have dealt with being along growing up, or long before you got married.
In my case, I grew up an only child. I’ve also been an introvert my whole life, often preferring to be alone. I wrote more about my own circumstances a bit more over on my post, Living Along – Not Lonely. The reality of why I was by myself after 2/10/21 definitely hit me hard. I didn’t have to learn to be by myself, but it did take me a hot minute to remember what it was like. For me it was more of an adjustment. It’s probably like that for a lot of folks. But if you’ve never been truly alone … always had people in your life (family, roommates, etc.) prior to getting married or if you had been with your spouse for decades, you may truly have to learn to be by yourself.
While I am also a big supporter of not telling widowed people what to do (even as a widowed person myself), when you’re struggling or overloaded emotionally, I do believe it can be somewhat helpful to read other’s experiences. So take the rest of this not as being told you have to DO something, but more like ideas if you are finding yourself having to learn to be by yourself.
Don’t feel like you have to force yourself to be around other people.
There is no timeline for grief and the emotional onslaught you experience when losing a spouse. Sometimes it may feel like you’ll want to be around others and sometimes not. Sit with your emotions and see if you can determine if your desire to be around people is because you’re not ready to face the being by yourself part. It’s okay either way, but just know that at some point, you’ll need to start down the path of learning to be okay with being by yourself too.
If you don’t have one, and feel you could provide the necessary attention and care, consider a pet.
All references to “emotional support pets” aside, animals are are wonderful, non-judgemental little beings who can be a companion for you.
If you’re not ready for in-person groups, try an online one.
If you’re here, you’ve already found a great community of folks offering support to other widowed folks. There are also plenty of other virtual meet ups where you can discuss what you’re going through with others who understand.
Beyond widow-specific groups, there are also plenty of other online groups or events that can enrich your life or just get you in contact with other humans while you transition into your new life without your spouse. Every now and then I cruise over to Eventbrite to see if there are any events of interest.
Get back into an old hobby.
I found out one of the widow’s in my local group was really into wildlife photography as a hobby, but she had not picked up her camera for awhile after her husband died. But she came back to it and she’s now really enjoying it again. Hobbies and artistic pursuits can be great mind-distractors that help enrich your life.
Focus on something that can make your life 1% better.
There’s a theory that making tiny, consistent changes or improvements daily can lead to compounded positive results. 1% is a small enough thing that the bar is very low for getting it done without being overwhelmed. In the very early days of being a widowed person, this can be something as simple as making the bed.
Challenge yourself.
Like anything that feels new and uncomfortable, it might help to push yourself a little bit to break through those feelings. For example, many widowed people cite going to a restaurant and eating alone and something they just can’t do. It’s understandable, but I also say it’s worth a try to at least attempt to do it once in awhile. If you had a favorite restaurant you went to with your spouse, probably best to build up to going to that one, but maybe try a new restaurant in your town or something that is pure comfort food for you. You’re basically “practicing” being by yourself when putting yourself out into the world in those scenarios.
I hope that some of these ideas might be helpful to you, but if anyone has any other personal experiences they’d like to share on how they learned to be by themselves I and I’m sure others, would love to hear them!
