I spent way too much time mindlessly scrolling instagram last week. I spend more time there than any other social media platform simply because I follow a lot of just plain old fun accounts as well as art and music and people out in the world doing nice things. There is one account I follow on there of a fellow who meets random people on the street and offers to take professional photos of them for free. The clip I saw was an older, very spry and fashion forward lady (I think she said she was 88) named Irene. The photographer does kind of a mini interview with each person to get to know them a little better. During that, Irene mentioned she lived by herself but said, “It’s aloneness rather than loneliness”.

I’d never heard it put that way, but that really resonated with me. I do not feel lonely. Of course, I’m one of those “weirdos” who fully believes that the dead can choose to visit you now and then too. I also have 4 cats who keep me company. But seriously, I associate loneliness with not just a longing for human contact but a sadness that you do not have how ever much human contact you feel you need/should have in your life. I don’t really experience that. I have sad days, but I wouldn’t call those loneliness either. I guess I’m lucky in that regard. I have friends that I stay in contact with or can hang out with (either in person or virtually). I stay in contact with some family members. There is a human element in my life. But I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, I’m rather solitary by nature. It’s not associated with sadness or depression though.

I also recently started using Reddit more. Scrolling through the home page there, it will make suggestions for you of “groups” (or whatever they’re called over there). I noticed a widows group, so I checked that out. There are a lot of posts, especially from newly widowed people going through everything that newly widowed people go through (emotionally, physically, mentally, socially, financially, etc.), but there was also a recent post by someone who has been widowed for 4 years (I’m also at the 4 year mark) talking about how much different her life is now. But she also said this, “I miss my late husband every day. And I always will. But we create our own happiness and I chose to live and push forward. When you’re going through hell, keep on moving!” I can relate to that.

There are many people, especially in this reddit group, who post about not knowing if they can go on. Most posts like that, many people are responding and citing reasons TO go on. I know while there are many things we can all relate to, every person’s experience with the loss of their spouse is unique to them. But things change. Nothing in life is a constant. And time, as they say, heals. What I say is that the further you get away from the day your lost your spouse, it’s not so much “healing” as it is a “lessening” (or maybe for some people it IS healing). It’s like every day that passes you are moving further and further away from that event. It may hurt less. You may be less depressed. It may take awhile to notice.

It’s cheesy as hell IMO but as one of those weirdos who believes that the soul of a person can carry on after their earthly vessel has given out, I also believe that when there is love and that person cared for you, they would not want you to stay in grief forever… they would want you to carry on, here in this material realm, enjoying the physical world, being alive and experiencing happiness and joy. It’s really tough to think that way when you’re a newly widowed person and well meaning friends and family come at you with talk like that. It can sometimes feel like they have no idea what you’re going through. But I’m here saying it as one of you, with 4 years under my belt now. I’m a more “experienced” widowed person, if you will. Live FOR your person.

The first year is truly the worst, not gonna lie to you. And from what I’ve seen, that DOES seem to be something rather universal. You’re thrown into the deep end and just trending water, just trying to get by…overwhelmed by emotions and people who do not fully understand what you’re going through. Seeking out others who DO know what you’re going through can definitely help (whether it’s here, reddit groups, in person groups, etc.). The solidarity can be uplifting, but it helps to at least know others are going through similar things as you are.

The second year, I kind of started to get my head back together a bit and started making a little progress with getting back to my life and how I wanted to live it.

Year three, I felt like I’d come a long way. It also kind of coincided with me reaching the century mark in my life, which is a whole other topic! But one thing I had decided, like many people who have been around for 5 decades or more, is that I was pretty ok with myself and that I was pretty ok with my particular eccentricities.

Year four and I’m fully on board with the fact that life is short and there is zero reason to not try to make the most of it… to do the things you enjoy and not wait, if it’s at all possible. So for the most part (except for exotic travels – which I WILL do at some point, just not right now), I’m trying to live that.

Time changes us all and distance from an event can absolutely change your perspective. Much like the reddit poster, I’ll miss my person probably every day in some way, but I’m moving forward, with time, and doing my best to live as fully as I can.