Widow's Voice

It never ends …

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As of writing this, it’s been 2002 days since Mario shuffled off this mortal coil. Two thousand and two sounds a lot crazier than “over 5 years”. It seriously does not seem like I’ve woken up that many times without him being in my life.

The other day, I had to dig out the ol’ death certificate one more time because apparently 5 years ago I forgot that his name was also on our business merchant account and the provider needed the proof he was no longer with us as part of the form to fill out to remove him from the account. All I can say is that if you’re a widowed person, ALWAYS keep at least one death certificate because at some point in time, many years after they are gone, you will inevitably need it.

So it’s just another reminder that this never actually ends. My whole identity is definitely not just “widowed person” but that part of me is never going away. Once you join the club, there’s no getting out of it. You can remarry, you can emotionally heal, you can sell the home you bought together, or any one of a thousand other things, but it won’t change the fact that you have lived through your spouse dying.

There are few things in life that are guaranteed as much as death, so it’s not like we can make it through without losing some of the ones we love along the way. Although nothing may ever feel “normal” about it, it is something that happens all the time to people all over the world.

Things that trigger memories, both happy and sad, will likely never end either. One thing I’m sure we can all relate to is when you’re just going about your day and some random thing pops up that makes you think of your spouse. When they first pass and for many days after, this has a tendency to happen a lot. This is yet again, something totally normal, but knowing that fact does not often soften the blow. Sometimes though, you get pleasantly surprised and it’s a humorous or happy memory.

And then there is just pure grief. Losing a spouse is still considered one of the most monumental losses, so it’s not surprising that we can struggle with grief even years later.

I feel like I’m old friends with grief and death at this point. With my poor kitty who died only a couple week ago as I’m writing this (7/27/26), I found myself slipping into the same “mode” as I did in Mario’s last days …trying to be a caregiver and 100% present while attempting to shut off emotions just to deal with the situation. As I held my cat in the last seconds of her life, I felt panic, anxiety, unfathomably helpless and deep, soul churning sadness.

My heart has a lot of holes at this point, but it still beats.

I don’t want to end this post on a downer note, so I’ll write a little bit about what I’m doing these days that doesn’t include debilitating grief and sad memories ….

I’m more motivated than ever to just do the things that bring joy into my life. Some may be a bit nostalgic, but most just come from a place of, for lack of a better word, necessity. Whenever I feel really down, I realize that I’m missing those little sparks of joy. So I’m trying to be more mindful of pulling those in. I truly believe this sort of thing can be helpful to anyone too.

Here are just a handful of things to give you some examples of what I mean:

  • Watched the sun set and all the colors in the sky change until it actually got dark
  • Dug out my old VCR and went through my VHS tapes and I’m going to set aside a couple evenings a week to watch old movies
  • Put up more string lights and solar lights in different areas of my property
  • Found a Sylvester and Tweety watch I had in the 80s, got a new battery for it and am wearing it again

The majority of our lives are made up of small moments, so why not try to make more of them lift up your spirits?

About Sherry Holub

I met my spouse, Mario, at UCLA School of Art in 1993. After graduating in 1995, I founded a small agency specializing in web and graphic design. Mario became my partner in the company in 1999. In 2002, we were married at the Costa Mesa, CA court house because neither of us wanted a big wedding ceremony (after already being together since 1995).

Mario was a highly talented artist, musician, illustrator and 3D Designer, but a tortured one. He was one of those gentle, creative souls who ended up burning twice as bright for half as long. Mario lost the battle with liver disease induced by alcoholism (almost exactly 6 months after he became sober) on 2/10/21.

I’m a long-time artist and writer with a background in photography who enjoys cooking, getting outdoors, staying young at heart, and sharing experiences to potentially help others. When it comes to writing, I’ve written both for fun and professionally over the years. Writing is also sometimes therapy for me and I don’t mind sharing my personal experiences with a wider audience.