Widow's Voice

Winks

| Posted by:

I go through these phases where I feel like Boris is sending me signs, or sometimes I call them “winks”, and then there are long periods of time where I feel like I get nothing. I feel like he isn’t out there, or he isn’t trying to communicate with me at all. And, sometimes I feel that the signs were never really real in the first place–this is when I feel very pessimistic and disconnected from him. 

But, lately, I feel like I have been getting a lot of Boris winks! Some of them I can’t even describe in words without it sounding silly, but when they happen I just know. I hear the song or I see the words or the little inside joke reference. And, sometimes I think, that could just be a coincidence. But, other times it feels like there really is no another explanation. And he has been showing up in my dreams more often again–one dream, in particular, was very striking and memorable–and it feels like he was sending me a message. I think this time of year brings up a lot of emotions for me with his birthday in March and his death anniversary in April, so that could be why. I also wonder if being in a new (my first post-loss) relationship is another reason why–I have been having a hard time wrapping my brain around a new person and wrestling with what Boris might think. 

I hope everyone who needs a sign or a wink from their person will get one soon. I know not everyone believes in them, and that is ok! But, for me, during those times when I feel like he is really out there saying hello to me–they are so reassuring and meaningful for me. 

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.