I’m one of the widowed people who have no children and my guess is that it’s a very different experience than those of you who lost your spouse but have kids.
Even when I was a child myself, I never even thought I’d have a child of my own. Other kids (probably all girls) played “house” with dolls. My dad built me a playhouse and I turned it into a fort. As I was growing up, my mom would say things like, “one day, when you have a baby, you’ll understand”.
Having a baby seemed like a foreign and alien concept when I was a kid and I wanted no part of it. That never did change when I grew up and became an adult. I was lucky enough to find a spouse who was very much on that same page. So needless to say, spawning children was never on the table.
After Mario and I got married the relatives who kept asking about when we were going to have kids were Mario’s grandparents. We didn’t take offense to it, but it did become rather annoying. I always wondered why some people felt compelled to inquire about others procreation plans (or lack of plans).
I get that probably the majority of couples who marry do want kids, either sooner or later. So those of us who don’t, are outliers. It’s not like I hate kids or anything, either. I just ust never wanted any of my own.
A lot of us who are childless by choice get pets. Lots of people choose dogs. Much like children, it’s not like I don’t like dogs, I just never saw myself owning one. They’re too needy and just not my vibe. Mario used to say, “I like dogs…other people’s dogs…that you can pet and interact with and then they go home with their owners!”
When Mario and I first got married, I had a cat. So she became “our” cat. We doted on that cat something fierce. When she got sick, we were beside ourselves with worry. We acted just like regular parents in that way. Lots of those same emotions revolved around the cat. When she passed away in 2017 we felt so alone in the house. She had been in our lives for 19 years. About 2 months later, we brought home 2 new cats from the local shelter.
So when Mario passed on in 2021, he left me and the 2 cats.
One big difference between being widowed with children vs being widowed with pets is there is no explaining to your pets what has happened. In the case of my cats, I believe they knew. They both spent a lot of time with Mario after he got very ill, even laying with him on the couch, which neither really did before.
After he was gone, for a couple months, one cat spent almost all of her time in the room he used to make all of his music in. No one can tell me that pets do not grieve their people when they pass.
Another very big difference is that it’s not a problem to suddenly be a “single” pet parent. I wager suddenly being a single mom or dad is tougher than just about anything. Plus there is that added level of grief knowing that your spouse will not get to see your kid(s) grow up and experience all those big moments with them. And of course for the kids, loosing a parent is one of the toughest things to go through (it’s tough to go through even as an adult).
Even in my lowest lows of the grief rollercoaster, I know I don’t have to rally, pull myself together, and get a kid off to school or an event. I don’t have to be in a social situation with other parents and pretend to be perfectly okay. I don’t have to worry about how I can put money away for a college fund, or stress about how to make birthdays and Christmas still happy events when there will be an obvious missing person.
One thing widowed people with and without kids share is that we both miss out on that whole “growing old together” thing. And just having that other person there to face a variety of life’s ups, downs and challenges as the years roll on.
We all share the fact that we’ve lost a spouse, but after that, each of our situations is different. We may share other things and relate in many ways, but I truly believe each of us brings something unique to the widowed table. In sharing our own experiences, it is inevitable someone else will be comforted or relieved because they too may also be able to relate.
