Going through a lot of “stuff” right now. For awhile now, actually, but “life kicking me in the ass” really picked it up a notch about a week or so ago, and it hasn’t let up since. To put it bluntly, things kind of suck right now.
I realize that I say this a lot in this blog, but I cant get into specifics here about what is going on, and I really do wish that I could. But the truth is, when issues involve other people as well as myself, I have to respect other people’s right to privacy, and they do not want me posting about our “stuff” in a public forum. So as much as Id like to be able to use this space to vent and possibly help others going through something similar, I won’t.
What I can say is this. One of the many things going on right now is that my very sweet father who I love very much was recently diagnosed with dementia with Alzeimers Disease. We have been noticing behaviors and subtle declines with him for a couple years now, and his brother has had the disease for almost 9 years now and lives in a facility for dementia patients with his wife, my Aunt. So we have had a front row seat and preview at coming attractions when it comes to my dad, and even though the diagnosis isnt really a surprise, it is absolutely heart-wrenching. He is currently in the mild to moderate stage of the disease, and we all know it will keep progressing, and we will keep learning more as it does. Right now Im doing my best to do everything I can to help him and to help my mom, as life will continue to shift for her as well.
There are many other things happening right now, and basically they involve marriage issues, money issues, and many questions and uncertainty about how to move forward and what that will look like. It’s a complicated mess, it is all very sad, and I’m unsure what is going to happen. It feels like life is in limbo, and sort of “on hold” in many ways, which I hate, but its the way it needs to be while I figure some things out.
And, there is this:
As much as things in life absolutely suck right now, and as much as I am feeling misery and deep sadness and big stress and overwhelm and grief at the loss of so many things; I am NOT feeling hopeless, I am not feeling depression, and I am not feeling like life is over or like I do not want to go on.
Why? The widowed perspective.
As horrific as this all is, and it is pretty horrific whats going on right now, NOTHING will ever be as brutally awful or as life-altering or as soul-killing as losing my husband Don to sudden death, and becoming a widow at 39 years old. NOTHING even comes close to the horrors of that reality, or to how long it took and still takes for me to piece my life back together again.
In this current situation, and because of my 12 years of widowhood, I have built myself an amazing support system that I can go to, I have wonderful family and friends who will not let me fall, and I have become a very strong person who can pretty much get through most things, as painful and gut-wrenching as they may be. While I still struggle financially (and greatly), I am FINALLY doing what I want with my life, and making income doing it. I am a certified grief counselor, and Im slowly building my own practive, both with in-person, local clients; and virtually, on Zoom. Im doing more speaking engagements and book events lately, and working less hours at my second job driving a student van. Im hopeful that in time, Ill be able to support myself fully on being a grief counselor. I have purpose and meaning in my life, and there is a lot of love. I will make it through this. Its going to be pretty awful for a little while, and Im a little scared of what might happen or how things may end up. But Im going to be okay. I have been through much worse, and I have sat inside the most dark and hopeless of places, and somehow crawled out alive. Its not going to be easy. Its going to be painful and not fun, but I can do this. I know that I can do this, and I will figure it all out, and crawl out of it alive and kicking, once again.
Thanks for listening.