Widow Me This –
Why is it that 9 years after losing my husband Don to sudden death, one little smell or song or memory or anything can occur, and suddenly, I feel like it just happened, like he just died?
How is it that 9 years later, I still cant go into or even near a Petsmart store, without having heart palpitations just thinking about it – because thats where he collapsed and had his massive heart attack?
And widow me this –
WHy does my heart break every time my brain goes back to that day when he died, or when I think about today, and how far away my life feels from that life long ago?
How do I not go back to that place where Im feeling guilty or horrible for not loving him well enough, or for being complacent in our marriage?
How do I stop obsessing? When do I stop?
I dont have answers to these questions.
I wish I did.
But these types of questions still haunt me sometimes.
Not even every week.
But a lot – lately.
Maybe because I just passed the 9 year anniversary.
Maybe theres too much time to think right now during Covid.
I dont know.
But lately, my heart hurts.
And I spend a lot of time thinking.
About life. love. Death.
Sometimes I wish my brain would relax.
But thats not my life anymore.
My life is now a riddle, that doesnt always make sense.
And I have no idea if life will ever be less weird.